


Cliffs of Gallifrey

by IcyLady



Category: D.Gray-man, No. 6 - All Media Types
Genre: Drama, Eventual Romance, M/M, more drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-03-31 01:15:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13964196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IcyLady/pseuds/IcyLady
Summary: In which there is a certain place, lost in the Northern wilderness, away from civilization. A place where a person can find their heart and their feelings. In that place, there is a diary that entwines the fates of two couples, separated by the gap of centuries.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> It's meant to be sad. It's actually meant to make people cry. You have been warned =)

He watched the “souls” walk away from him with strange calmness and when he heard the words he didn’t feel much either. He only hugged the disfigured torso that was all what remained from his best and only friend in the complete silence that enveloped him. He wasn’t sure how much time passed or if it even passed or whether the world has stopped. He couldn’t even think about anything other than holding the cold torso, the corpse of the horrifying thing his friend’s hate turned him into. Nothing changed in the ruins where he was, not even wind blew to disturb the smallest grain of sand. Not a sound reached him for what felt like an eternity. Then, without any warning and no reason he could conceive, silently, the corpse he was holding onto crumbled into dust, seeping through his hands and fingers. He didn’t even have a time to gasp and it was gone.

 

The only thing left was the core.

 

The orb was shiny and flawless, with the exact copy of what his tattoo used to be. It was smooth and cold to touch and suddenly Kanda Yuu realized, with painful clarity, that he was alone. His breath hitched. Alma was gone, again. Alma, his one and only friend, the only person with whom he had ever laughed, was gone. And this time, She was gone with Alma because She had been Alma all that time and all those years ago Kanda could have just let Alma kill him and they would have been together. Slowly, he realized the magnitude of his mistake back then and the fact that he might have just as well killed Alma (and Her) again for all the wounds he had inflicted was too much to bear. He took a deep, shuddering breath.

 

He was alone.

 

Again he had lost Alma and the knowledge stung. No. It hurt more than any physical wound and Kanda knew it wouldn’t heal so easily either. It would stay there, like a gaping hole in his chest and he could not do anything about it. He clutched the smooth core to his chest as he gasped for breath because the pain was too much. He was alone in the world that did not care and, oh dear God, what had he done to deserve this pain? Why did he have to survive again?

 

He was crying he realised. Tears were flowing silently from his eyes, blurring his vision until he couldn’t tell apart the ruins of Mater and the devastated Sixth Laboratory. The same, cruel, blue sky was stretching above them. He squeezed his eyes shut, but it was there, glaring at him as he cried, unable to stop because it hurt in his chest, it hurt as though somebody was tearing him apart.

 

It was so hard to breathe.

 

A desperate sob tore from his lips, echoing in the empty silence that stretched everywhere around him. And there was no answer, because he was alone. Another sob followed and then, before he realized what was happening, Kanda Yuu was screaming in a wordless protest against the cruelty of the world. That scream too echoed back at him in the emptiness. He heard it and he screamed louder to fill the emptiness, to fill the silence but the silence was in his head and the emptiness was in his soul. And so he screamed more because it hurt, it hurt so much that he thought he would die. And he wanted to die, oh God, how he wanted to die. And he screamed even louder, until he couldn’t scream anymore. And all he could do, as the silence wrapped around him again, soft and painful, was to clutch desperately at the smooth orb that had once been the core of his most precious person.

 

And this world was so dark.

 

He didn’t know how much time had passed when he became aware of his surroundings again. He couldn’t bring himself to care either, because he was still in the ruins of Mater and the only thing left of Alma was the shiny orb he had been clutching to his chest so forcefully that his fingers hurt. He didn’t let go, because it was a vacant kind of pain that put the edge to the emptiness. And the emptiness filled him and overflowed and drowned all his thoughts as he stared at the cruel, blue sky.

 

Numbly, he felt tears trail down his face, but they were not the same kind of tears as the other time and he could not scream anymore. Through the cocoon of indifference, he felt his throat throb with pain, but that too was just an edge of the emptiness that Kanda Yuu was drowning in. And if only he could not hold his breath and submerge into it until he was too deep to resurface again. If only he could hope that it was enough to end his life.

 

He clutched the orb harder and stared ahead as the sky became dark and as it brightened again.

 

The sun, as unforgiving as the blue sky, burned his skin and when the sky darkened again, the cold air stung as it flowed gently over the blisters. But they would heal, he knew, numbly ignoring the exquisite torture of sand grains grating against the sensitive skin. He was cursed to heal and live on, no matter how much he wanted to die. Like all those years ago, he knew he wouldn’t be allowed to fade away. But the people who found him were not with the Order.

 

They were kind though and worried when the saw a young man half buried in the sand. They dug him out when they realised that he was alive and tried to talk to him. They noticed the burns and treated them with care. And he welcomed the pain while they mistook the reason for his tears. They clothed him and fed him and did not try to take the orb from his hand, but he could see their pitying gazes as they exchanged glances.

 

A madman, they thought and let him sleep in their camp, but he could not sleep. He knew without even trying, because the thoughts danced at the edge of emptiness. Sleep would invite them into his dreams and he could only dream about the life he did not get to live and it hurt even more and tears were already silently running down his face. So he repaid their kindness with theft and vanished into the night, to find a place where nobody would disturb him.

 

He walked until he passed out from exhaustion and he ate the food he had stolen when he came back to his senses. And he walked again, not caring for the direction. The blisters were long gone not leaving the slightest scar, because his cursed body healed them. Only the emptiness remained. It wrapped him into a cocoon of silence, it numbed his senses and it forced tears out of his eyes. And so he walked and ate the stolen food and slept when he passed out and he did not count the days or the steps he took in a direction he didn’t remember.

 

Eventually, he heard a familiar voice and a sting of fear cleared his senses. He did not want to be found by the Black Order. They would drag him back and force him to take up the Innocence again and even though he missed it like a missing arm, having it would only be worse. Because the Innocence was the cause of it all: his pain, Alma’s death, the war. It was because of the Innocence that he had been brought back in this cursed, amazing body, with a mind tortured by half-erased memories. It was because of the Innocence that Alma had been forced to suffer and it was the Innocence that had allowed him to kill Alma.

 

He did not want to go back.

 

So he hid in the shadows and watched the familiar silhouettes pass by. He heard snippets of their conversation but he refused to listen, because he did not belong to that world anymore. He did not want to belong to the world that had driven Alma into madness. Instinctively, he tightened his hold on the orb, concealed within the flappy clothes of the people from Mater. He watched the Exorcists until they were but specks in the crowd of the city waking up, and he realised that he had no idea where he was.

 

A large part of him still didn’t care, but the shot of adrenaline woke up his survival instincts and if he was forced to survive, he would do it on his own conditions. If he didn’t want to go back to the Order, he needed to be more careful because there was not one Exorcist or Finder who did not know his face. If he was seen, they would be on his track immediately and losing Lvellie’s Crow dogs was trickier than he cared to admit.

 

The key, he knew, was to not stay too long in one place, to not let people around to get used to his face, to recognize it. If he was just a passer-by, they would forget no matter how characteristic he was, because their everyday life would not include him. If he could earn some money by helping out here or there, he wouldn’t need to steal either and if he was careful, he would be able to avoid the Exorcists when they showed up. If he was really careful, he could even eavesdrop on them and know what the Order was up to. Or so he thought.

 

He was mistaken though, because the news he heard strung something inside, something that was but a mere echo of the pain of losing Alma again, but it was painful nonetheless. The idiot rabbit was gone, missing since that horrifying time in the North American Branch. The beansprout was imprisoned on the charges of treason and it didn’t take a genius to figure out what the treason was.

 

“Thank you, Kanda Yuu, for waking up the Fourteenth.”

 

Guilt ate at him, because Allen Walker has risked it all to save Alma and Kanda, even when they were both too blind to realise. And he had hurt the damned beansprout. He had impaled him upon Mugen without a second thought, calling him a Noah and blaming him for things the beansprout hasn’t done and would have never done. He remembered it now with more clarity than he would have liked, even if it had all been hazy back then. The Earl made it clear that, if not for the wound inflicted by the Innocence, the Fourteenth would still sleep. Kanda wanted to add this to the list of charges against the hated substance, but it was his fault that the beansprout was imprisoned.

 

A thought, a tiny little sprout of an idea, crossed his mind: he should go back and help Allen Walker. He smothered it immediately, but he couldn’t stop his guilty conscience. It was the least he could do to repay the beansprout for giving him and Alma a peaceful moment to say goodbye. Alma would have wanted him to go, he thought miserably and, as though in the answer, he felt the orb pulse with warmth briefly. Only, it must have been his imagination and he chased it away because it brought too many hopes he dared not to voice and hope invariably brought pain.

 

Knowing that it was too late in the day to take any decisions anyway, he went back to the place where he was staying. It was a small inn, uncomfortable and not as clean as he would have wished for, but it charged little and Kanda Yuu did not have much money to spend. The bed on which he slept for already three nights, which meant it was time to go, was uncomfortable and he woke up often, not always because of the nightmares. But he did not care all that much. Nothing was important because he was alone.

 

That night was no different. He barely fell asleep when a nightmare forced him awake, sweating and trembling and all he could do was hold Alma’s core tighter as he closed his eyes again. He fell back asleep fast enough, only to wake up because the bed was too hard and every time he moved, he would wake up from it. Really, it only meant he was not tired enough, he thought as he closed his eyes again, ignoring the pulse of warmth from the orb.

 

The following day, he decided, he would leave. He wasn’t sure if he would go to the Order, but maybe he could at least come closer, just in case he made up his mind. With that idea he fell asleep again and dreamt, for the first time, about a warm embrace. When he woke up in the morning and realised that he was not really alone in the bed all his thoughts of Allen Walker and the Black Order flew out of his head. He stared at the incomprehensible miracle in progress and he felt hope for the first time in nearly ten years.


	2. The peaceful place

_Chapter 1: The peaceful place_

The nice weather held for a couple of days now and Nezumi kept repeating that it was just a matter of time before the rain returned, but Shion just listened to him with a smile and then turned his head to face the sun, enjoying. He knew that Nezumi just said those things so that Shion was not disappointed when the weather turned bad, but how could Shion be disappointed if he was exploring the world together with his most precious person? Exploring the world! Just that part was enough to make him feel dizzy and it didn’t even account for the breath-taking beauty of that world.

 

Like that place, for example. They arrived on the peninsula with the coming of autumn and it painted the endless forests gold and red. Wild and untouched with human hand, the forest was teeming with life. Birds were singing and arguing and more than once Shion saw a deer or a fox, watching them curiously as they passed, trying to not disturb the undergrowth too much, as difficult as it was. If not for Nezumi, who knew how to find and follow the trails of animals, they would have to hack their way through the bushes and Shion did not hide his appreciation for the skills Nezumi had acquired after the fall of the wall.

 

Sometimes they stumbled upon the ruins left by the war and those were sad moments, reminding Shion of the cruel history of mankind and, by extension, of the utopian city he had ran away from when Nezumi came back and offered to take Shion on the next trip. He didn’t regret his decision at all, because it was too difficult to live without the dark-haired young man. And Nezumi took him to places Shion couldn’t have even begun to imagine, like the ocean: a body of water stretching as far as Shion could see. It radiated power, even though he had seen it on a calm day and there had barely been a wave. Also on the peninsula, there were amazing views. Nezumi called them fjords and they were places where the coast split, allowing the water to penetrate deep inside, carving a weaving path between tall, flat-topped mountains.

 

They had to walk around those, sometimes seeing destroyed bridges that had been shortening the path in the years before the war. That was how, the previous day, they had stumbled upon a ruined town at the end of the fjord. It was half-consumed by the forest, but Shion could clearly see what remained of the walls and, especially the harbour. They spent the night there, because it was long since dark, as it got dark early in those parts, and the crumbling, blackened ruins offered protection from the harsh winds that smelled of winter already. In the morning, they walked further inland and that was how, sometime around midday, when the sun was high on the beautiful, blue sky, they found that place.

 

The forest ended abruptly, making them stop short and look ahead, surprised at the sudden change. And as the view sank in, Shion gasped in amazement. Ahead of them was a stretch of overgrown grass that wavered in the soft, cold breeze coming from the water ahead. The water, nearly flat except for tiny ripples caused by the breeze, was most surely a lake and it stretched far in a twisted shape. It was surrounded, from the other sides, by those tall, flat-topped mountains that offered breath-taking views on the fjords.

 

‘How beautiful,’ he whispered, watching how the sun reflected in the water, making it shimmer more beautifully than any jewels Shion had seen in the museums of the other Cities. It was a statement of Nezumi’s own amazement that Shion’s dark-haired companion did not snort at the words and it made Shion smile wider.

 

‘How peaceful,’ Nezumi corrected and Shion had to agree that the place had an aura around it, radiating calmness in a way only an isolated, quiet place could. ‘And it seems the war has not reached this place,’ he added and, at Shion’s questioning look, nodded ahead. Only then did Shion notice a small house that was standing a bit to the side from their position, cradled against the mountain, as though for protection against the possible winds.

 

The importance of the fact that it was “standing” sank in slowly and Shion’s amazement grew as he took in the details. The walls were, or seemed, intact and so did the roof, despite the fact that centuries must have passed since anybody had lived there. Indeed, war must have omitted that place, in its march of destruction, or they had somehow found a gate to another world. Shion liked that idea, but it was yet nicer to think that not the entire world had been destroyed.

 

‘Do you think somebody lives there?’ he asked and this time Nezumi snorted.

 

‘This place has been abandoned for years at least,’ he said. ‘I’ve seen houses like that in history books and they date from long before the war. They used wood to create heat then and there is no smoke coming from the chimney.’

 

‘Oh,’ said Shion in disappointment. From the corner of his eye, he saw Nezumi shake his head in resignation and he smiled a bit. ‘Shall we explore it then? We could even stay here for a while if it’s abandoned,’ he added. Nezumi shrugged his shoulders, but Shion had a feeling that his friend did like the place more than he cared to admit, so they went up to the house.

 

It should not be in such a good shape. Even without knowing anything about history and without Nezumi saying that at least ten times as they approached, Shion knew. The walls might have been made of stones, but the doors were wooden and, as mouldering as they looked, they didn’t fall into dust when Nezumi pulled them open. They screeched mercilessly, the joints of the mechanism not being used or taken care of for God knew how many years.

 

Inside it was dark, because the windows were small and dirty, but there was just enough light for Shion to make out the large fireplace and a stone oven, which must have been what kept the house warm in the winter. Everything else was crumbled into pitiful remains. Next to the fireplace there was a pile of what must have once been fire wood and next to it was a rusted, metal bucket and a large pot. There was debris that must have been furniture and a crumbled door to what must have been a bedroom with a small, primitive bathroom. The mice, deciding that the place was safe, scattered to explore on their own and their excited screeching filled the air.

 

‘Well,’ started Nezumi, taking off his large backpack that was filled with camping equipment they had bought in the last City they visited. ‘The walls seem to be sturdy enough and we have everything we might need that has fallen apart,’ he said. Shion smiled at him, nodding. ‘I’ll try and get some wood to start the fire for tonight,’ he added. They even had an axe with them, Shion remembered, in case they could get wood and spare their tiny reserve of fuel. Ever since they came to the peninsula, they never needed to use the fuel, because there was forest all around and their sleeping bags were designed to keep warm even when the fire died during the night.

 

‘I’ll clean out the debris and set up a camp here,’ Shion replied enthusiastically. ‘If I have time I’ll pick up water from the lake and try to wash the window, so that we can get some light as well,’ he added and Nezumi suggested that he starts with that. Granted that the daylight wouldn’t last long, but it would be easier to clean up if they could see and there might be some stuff buried in the half-decomposed wood.

 

They left the door opened to ventilate the place and set out to work.

 

The water in the lake was freezing cold and just putting his hands inside it to wet a piece of cloth he took for cleaning made Shion shiver. But he thought about the fire Nezumi would get started and about the firm walls that would shelter them from the wind that night and he could just about manage to go about cleaning the windows. Well, trying to clean them, he should say, because mere water was not doing all too well against the dirt, but somehow, eventually, he managed.

 

Sunlight filtered into the house and it seemed warmer already. Somehow it felt like a home that Shion was wishing for. He would say that it felt like people loved living there, but the only person who could listen was Nezumi and Nezumi would laugh. But then, it was a home away from people, so maybe Nezumi would agree to stay here for a while and they wouldn’t have to travel for a while. He looked around, satisfied, and laughed when Hamlet climbed up onto his shoulder, chirping cheerfully.

 

‘On to the cleaning, what do you say?’ he asked the mice and it chirped back at him. ‘I should probably find out where to throw out all this debris, before I end up with an armful of decomposing wood,’ he said half to himself, half to the mice.

 

‘It seems like a good idea,’ answered Nezumi, making Shion jump in surprise, before turning to the doorway, where his friend stood, holding fire wood in his arms. He scowled without conviction and Nezumi laughed shortly. It was nice to hear him laugh, Shion thought, the scowl dissolving into a smile.

 

‘You could try and make some noise when you move around,’ he said nevertheless, watching how Nezumi came in and stacked the wood on the other side of the fire place. He pouted when Nezumi said that he wasn’t trying to be particularly quiet and it was just Shion whose head was constantly in the clouds and thus he didn’t hear things happening in the real world.

 

‘But I see that you at least cleaned the windows here,’ he added, glancing at the two windows, one facing the lake and the mountains beyond it and the other overlooking the stretch of grass and the forest at the far end of the clearing.

 

‘I said I would,’ Shion reminded him with a small pout. ‘I was about to check out where I can throw out the debris when you came in,’ he added.

 

‘I know, you told the mouse about it,’ Nezumi pointed out with a smirk. ‘If I’m not mistaken, there’s a herb path next to the house. It’s overgrown with weeds, but I should be able to salvage some herbs. I also saw some mushrooms in the forest, I’ll go and pick them up and maybe I’ll set a trap for rabbits, so that we can get some meat for tomorrow, what do you say?’ he asked. ‘I could make the Macbeth soup.’

 

Killing the rabbits was one thing Shion didn’t like during their trip. He tried to tell himself that it was no different than buying meat in the Cities and that they did need to eat more than the wild fruits and vegetables they could sometimes find and the super-hard traveller’s bread they took some stock of in the last City. Still, whenever Nezumi caught a rabbit and went about skinning it and cleaning out the insides, Shion made a point to look away or even go to find wood or water to cook the poor animal afterwards.

 

‘I suppose,’ he said, ignoring how Nezumi rolled his eyes at him. They had this conversation a couple of times and Shion wasn’t going to start it again, knowing that he would lose. Worse, if they discussed food any more his stomach might betray him and rumble loudly at the very thought of the Macbeth soup. ‘Let’s get going then, before it gets dark,’ he added instead and they both left the house, stopping for a moment to enjoy the view.

 

The house was facing the lake and the mountains beyond it.

 

‘The air smells of winter,’ Nezumi noted with worry. Shion looked at him. ‘I think we might have gone a bit too far North to get back to the City before it comes,’ he added. Shion bit his lip, wondering if he dared to ask about staying in the house over the winter. Could they even do it? If they stocked up on fire wood and dried some mushrooms, maybe they could get by? After all they had survived a winter in the West Block with not much more, right? Nezumi sighed.

 

‘I think you could try to put the debris there,’ he said, pointing towards the place where the house rested against the wall. ‘The other side is occupied by the herb path and behind the house there is space meant for storing the wood for the winter, I’m sure of it,’ he added and Shion nodded in understanding, trying to not feel too excited. Nezumi was considering spending the winter in the small house!

 

As Nezumi went back to the forest, taking the metal bucket with him, Shion put on thick, protective gloves Nezumi had previously worn for cutting and transporting the fire wood, and gathered some of the debris into the pot. He could use a broom, he thought idly, but it wasn’t on the typical survival-kit list, so they didn’t have one. He wondered if it was difficult to make one and if he would find the necessary things around.

 

Humming happily, he went out and to the place where he could leave the debris. He passed by the dirty window of the bedroom, thinking that he would clean it the following day and empty the room of debris as well. Maybe they could even make some furniture, if they stayed in that house for a while longer!

 

He tried not to get ahead of himself, but he couldn’t stop himself from smiling at the very idea as he reached the edge of the house. He was about to overturn the pot onto the ground, when he realised that the stone just next to the house looked weird. He put the pot away and stooped next to it and brushed away the moss that was partly growing over the somewhat smoothened portion of the rock. Up close he could see that it wasn’t perfectly polished by far, but definitely didn’t look natural, clearly standing out against the ragged, weathered rock around and, Shion realised, oriented to exactly face the mountains.

 

It wasn’t natural. With amazement, delicately, Shion cleared the rest of the smoothened rock of moss, uncovering three lines of clumsily carved letters, barely visible anymore:

 

_Alma & Yuu_

_May they rest in peace_

_Forever_

Oh, was the only thing he could think.


	3. The diary

In No. 6 they did not have graves and the names in the top line were ones he never heard before, but Shion knew what the inscription meant, if only from some of Nezumi’s books. He thought briefly about them, waiting for Shion and Nezumi in Shion’s flat in the renovated City, but the grave was much more interesting right then. There should have been dates as well and he searched the stone, in case they were even shallower, but he found nothing that could resemble numbers. It must have been before the war, he knew, but how long before?

 

He didn’t throw the debris over the grave, of course. He could never do such a thing, no matter how long ago the people had died. Instead, he went to the edge of the forest and threw it there, before coming back to the house for the second part and then for the third and fourth. In the debris by the wall, he found the tools for the fireplace, rusted but still usable, and he put them away carefully. He also found smaller pots for cooking, broken porcelain that he put away and cutlery that could use a good cleaning. Alma and Yuu, whoever they were, had well equipped this house.

 

Every time he entered or left the house he glanced in the direction of the grave, unable to stop thinking about the couple who lived there previously. Who were they? How did they look? It wasn’t likely that he would ever find out. Did they fall in love with the place and chose to abandon civilization for it? It seemed very probable in his head, because he had a feeling that he did fall in love with that place.

 

The fourth and last time that he went to empty the pot at the edge of the forest, he met Nezumi, who was coming back with a bucket full of mushrooms and asked what was wrong with the corner of the house. Instead of telling him, Shion led him there and let him see for himself, in the light of the setting sun. Nezumi looked at the inscription for a while. It occurred to Shion that they were literally standing on the grave and he took a step back.

 

‘Let’s get the fire going before it gets dark,’ he said, getting up and dusting off his pants. ‘It’s a shame they didn’t put dates on the inscription. We could know since when this house was abandoned, but then, I guess it doesn’t matter,’ he added, picking up the bucket of mushrooms. ‘I’ll get the herbs tomorrow.’

 

‘You picked up a lot of mushrooms,’ Shion noted. Nezumi said nothing though and Shion made a small detour to rinse the pot and pick up water that they could warm over the fire. He came back right in time to see the first sparkles in the fire place and soon the light of the setting sun was replaced by the flickering of fire. The smell of burnt wood reached him and made him smile warmly at Nezumi as his precious person turned to look at him.

 

‘Close the door,’ he said simply, not smiling, but Shion did not take offense. He knew Nezumi for too long now and understood much of what wasn’t said. ‘Carefully,’ Nezumi added and Shion did his best, but he could feel that the door was at the end of its endurance. They should probably think about getting a new door, he thought idly, coming up to the fireplace with the pot of water. ‘I’ll try to make another door tomorrow.’

 

‘Can you?’ Shion asked, honestly impressed. Nezumi shrugged and muttered something about all the metal parts being there and them having some rope. Then he fell silent, looking into the fire, and Shion decided to occupy himself. He put all the mushrooms out on the floor and filled half the bucket with water from the pot. From his backpack, he took out one of the metal bowls and went about cleaning the mushrooms and putting them into the bowl.

 

‘I think we can dry some of them,’ he said when he was done. He didn’t wait for the answer, but picked out the biggest pieces of broken porcelain and rinsed them in the same water he rinsed the mushrooms in. The fireplace had a convenient edge, where he could put the porcelain and the mushrooms on top of it and they would dry faster in the heat.

 

‘We might have to stay here for the winter,’ said Nezumi out of the blue. Shion paused in his task of putting the mushrooms on the fireplace and looked at his companion. He immediately forgot what he wanted to reply with, because Nezumi looked so beautiful in the light of the fire. The flames reflected in his grey eyes and the warm light gave his pale face a more welcoming look. Or was it the expression he was wearing? ‘I guess it could be alright, but there’s a lot of work to be done, if we would,’ Nezumi added and Shion forced himself to focus on his words.

 

‘Yes?’ he said, feeling stupid. Amusement flickered in Nezumi’s eyes briefly and suddenly Shion did not regret his moment of stupidity. Anything was good if it changed Nezumi’s expression from the usual neutral or careful look. He went back to the mushrooms, feeling Nezumi’s gaze following his moves.

 

‘You want it, no?’ Nezumi asked. Shion bit his lip, trying to decipher the tone. ‘I saw it in your face the moment you noticed the house, so you don’t even need to answer me now. I guess it beats having to trudge through snow on the way back to No. 2,’ Nezumi commented, not waiting for Shion’s reply. ‘We have some supplies and I suppose that if we make preparations, it will be doable. There are some winter apples growing nearby and we could get as many mushrooms as we can store. I could try to hunt some bigger animals and we could smoke or dry the meat,’ he trailed off.

 

‘It sounds like a plan,’ Shion agreed and they didn’t talk more about it.

 

They ate what they had and went to sleep in their sleeping bags, but Shion couldn’t sleep. Nezumi’s implicit agreement to spend the winter in the house filled his head with thoughts and ideas that swirled and developed and made him smile. Back in No. 6 Nezumi didn’t want to live in Shion’s flat, which was why they left in the end. In the other Cities, Nezumi refused to even consider buying something permanent, yet here he wanted to live with Shion! Oh, how Shion wished it was a sign of change in their relationship, because himself, he didn’t have the courage to change it, for fear of losing what he already had. He didn’t want to do or say anything that would make Nezumi feel “imprisoned” or restrained in any way.

 

Eventually, he fell asleep and did not dream much, thankfully. The following day, they started the preparations for winter. They woke up long before dawn and in the starlight, Nezumi restarted the fire before setting out to check the rabbit traps and gather wood. Shion was charged to keep the fire going and clean up the whole of the house, so that they could use it comfortably.

 

He took his task seriously. As the first thing, he went out and picked up twigs to make a broom, because there was only so much he could scope up with his hands. He wanted to do a good job, because it would be their home for a couple of months. He was about to clean the main room completely, when he realised that he would get it dirty when he cleaned the bedroom. So he went to pick up water from the ice-cold lake and, by the time the sun rose, he had cleaned the only window in the small bedroom.

 

It was perfect timing indeed and he paused to enjoy the view: the sun waking up and flooding the world with light. He didn’t think he would ever get bored of watching that lake, the shimmering of sunlight, and the majestic mountains beyond it. Cliffs, he thought, they looked like cliffs that he had seen on another coast, steep and flat on the top.

 

He went to pour out the dirty water and glanced back at the grave on his way back. Somehow the proof that somebody had lived in the house before was disturbing him, because he felt like he was trespassing. It was stupid, because they had been gone for long enough for their furniture to fall apart, but he felt guilty to throw it out. Nezumi would laugh at him, he decided, and went about gathering the debris in the room. One bucket, then another: it took time because he went all the way to the forest and back each time. He passed by the herb path and decided it would be his next task, after cleaning out the house. He could tell apart the herbs from the weed and clean it and gather all that was still left to dry it for the winter. They had some spices with them, but more could not hurt and he had a string to hang it from the ceiling, where it would not disturb them.

 

He almost filled the third bucket, when his hands found something that didn’t really look like wood.

 

With care, he dusted the object off, almost immediately realising what it was: a notebook. It was impossible, because paper should have been reduced to dust along with everything else, but there it was. It was thick and had a plain, black cover that did not look like it had spent hundreds of years in the pile of debris. Taking off the protective gloves, he abandoned the cleaning in favour of sitting against the wall and opening the notebook delicately, fully expecting it to fall apart at any moment.

 

It didn’t. It even felt rather solid under his fingers, old, but not old enough to crumble and, in any case, he forgot all about it because just inside there was a black and white photo. It looked as old as the notebook, but again, not nearly as old as it should and it was faded, slightly discoloured with time, but Shion could clearly see the people on it. There were two people, with hair darker than Nezumi, one short one long. The one with a short hair had a scar on his nose and a bright smile on his face and Shion was sure that his eyes must have been sparkling with happiness when the photo was taken. The other one, with long hair, was not smiling. She, because the person had delicate, somewhat exotic features and out of the two must have been the woman, looked somewhat content though, a bit like Nezumi looked when he was happy. He giggled, thinking that the woman did remind him somewhat of Nezumi, or maybe even more of the long-haired Eve.

 

Why he thought they must have been a man and a woman, Shion wasn’t sure, until he turned the photo around and read the short dedication: “For Yuu and Alma, with my sincere thanks for helping me out. I hope you will remain happy here, Lavi.” Eyes widening, Shion looked at the photo again, this time memorizing every detail, because they were those buried next to the house. When he thought he could draw their faces from memory, Shion turned the photo again and looked at the signature.

 

Lavi – it was another weird name, but it must have been a name. It was somebody whom the couple had helped and he had left them his thanks and that somehow made Alma and Yuu seem even more real as people. Irrationally, Shion wished he could meet them.

 

With a sigh, he looked at the opened notebook. “Cliffs of Gallifrey”, it said on the inside cover and Shion wondered if that was the name of the place. Carefully, he replaced the photo where it was and turned the inside cover to reveal a page filled with words. This was impossible, he thought numbly, just looking for a moment, registering how the words were only a bit faded and the page only somewhat yellowed. He glanced at the debris around him and shook his head: this notebook couldn’t come from the same time as the remains of the furniture and surely not the grave. Right?

 

 _Dear diary_ , it said on the top of the page. The writing was a bit clumsy, as though the writer wasn’t overly proficient at the task and it made Shion frown. It made him think to his own writing as a little child, when he was just learning how to write. Unless it was a diary starting in the beginning of the person’s life, there was no chance it was written by either of the people on the photo and he felt irrational disappointment. Because even though he knew it couldn’t have possibly been the diary of either Alma or Yuu, or even Lavi, he had hoped. But no, unless Lavi was a child they had saved, there was little chance, so Shion pursed his lips and looked down at the page again.

 

_Is this how people start those kinds of things? I wouldn’t know, but it sounds nice, so I think I’ll write it. I think it is also customary to write the date, but I don’t know today’s date or even the year and Yuu won’t tell me._

 

Shion blinked. Could “Yuu” have been a popular name in the past? He really wished it wasn’t, but he didn’t think it was smart to get his hopes up. Before the war, he knew from the little history he had been taught, mankind was spread over the whole globe and Cities back then would make the Cities he knew pale in comparison. There must have been more than one person with each name or there wouldn’t have possibly been enough pronounceable letter combinations.

 

_I can, however, introduce myself so if this is being read by anybody any time: my name is Alma and I just woke up a couple of days ago._

 

This was too much of a coincidence and Shion felt excitement swell within him. This was the diary of Alma! He forgot about everything around as he read on, understanding less with every sentence, but too entranced to stop and wonder.

 

_I’m still a bit confused about some things, but one thing I know for sure, is that the core had erased all the Dark Matter. It erased all the hate as well and Yuu knows everything, so I have no reasons to try and kill him again. Not that I could, not in this pathetic state and not when I see the echo of pain in his eyes when he talks about what had happened. He doesn’t talk much about it either, but he did tell me that the core didn’t activate immediately. He didn’t tell me how long it took and I think he doesn’t know._

_But I don’t want to think about it. One day, I know we have to talk and I know it will be me starting the conversation, but not yet. For now I watch Yuu, as he takes care of this place. I would like to help, but he says I’m useless and I should rest and get stronger. He might be right, since I can barely hold a spoon full of soup for long enough to bring it to my mouth._

_It makes me wonder how much time I have left, before the core gives up. I was sure I would die for real in that sandy place, but I was wrong. Yuu surely thought I died back then, but he also thought he had killed me back in the Sixth Institute, I remember that much through the haze of memories from our second meeting and I don’t want to remember more. I have hurt him then. Badly._

_I only wish that we can put all this behind and start over. Again. Together._

 

‘Is this how you plan to clean this place?’ asked Nezumi impatiently and Shion jumped up in fright, realising where he was. Nezumi didn’t look impressed, but Shion didn’t care. In a split of a second, he was next to the other, ignoring even the cleaned rabbit corpses, showing him the diary and blurting out “you are never going to believe this”.


	4. Cliffs of Gallifrey

To say that Nezumi was sceptic would be putting it mildly. He said that it was impossible for a notebook to survive since before the war and Shion agreed with him. It was impossible. Yet, it had happened because there was a notebook. Nezumi pointed out that it was so far filled with gibberish and that Shion couldn’t really deny either, but in that gibberish there could be the story of Alma and Yuu and Shion wanted to read it. He loved stories and the fact that this one might have been real and had a happy ending made it all the more desirable. He wanted to read a happy ending. He wanted to believe they happened in real life, not only in some of Nezumi’s books.

 

However, “real life” demanded that he takes care of their house and so Shion regretfully put the diary away and cleaned out the bedroom and dusted the main room. He took care of the cobwebs also, while Nezumi was stacking the wood against the back of their little house. It took all the daylight that was left and when they reunited in the main room after dusk, Nezumi was not overly impressed. He claimed, when Shion asked, that they wouldn’t be ready on time, but didn’t elaborate and so Shion took care of the cooking.

 

Soon the smell of herbs and cooking meat filled the small house and brought the memories of those months they had lived together in the room in the West Block. Was it silly of Shion to wish they could go back to those days? It seemed like a distant dream, a time when their worries centred on getting a half-decent meal and not being too cold in the night. All that happened after, with Safu and Elyurias and Nezumi leaving was painful, but that time before… That was something Shion really wished he could to back to and this little house by the lake reminded him so much of that time.

 

‘I set up bigger traps,’ Nezumi said while Shion was pouring the soup into their traveller bowls. ‘With any luck, we can get a deer or something and we can smoke or dry the spare meat,’ he added and Shion nodded in agreement. In his silly head, killing a deer was not as bad as killing a little, fluffy rabbit. ‘But if we catch a deer I’ll spend much more time cleaning the meat up.’

 

‘I’ll take care of the herb path tomorrow,’ Shion offered, giving a bowl of soup to Nezumi, who accepted it without a word. ‘I don’t know what else I could do,’ he admitted quietly, sitting down with his own bowl of soup. For a moment they ate in silence and the only sounds were those of the crackling fire and the wind outside. Then, after what seemed like an eternity, Nezumi sighed and Shion looked at him in surprise, because he knew that Nezumi didn’t like to sigh. He never fully understood why, but that was not important.

 

‘I’ll try to get wood for building things,’ his dark-haired companion said. ‘I think we’ll be better off with a bed, because the floor is made of stone and it will be difficult to keep it warm. We also need something to dry clothes on and if we can get some table and chairs, it will just be more comfortable. So I’ll need your help to polish the wood and put it all together,’ he explained. ‘Also, we need to pick up apples and put them in a cold corner so that they keep through the winter. We need to get as many mushrooms as we can and as much meat as we can, just in case we are stuck in this house.’

 

It sounded like a lot of work, but Shion was sure they could make it. He didn’t have a clue on how to polish the wood and how to put the furniture together but he had carefully put away all the rusted nails he could find in the debris, so maybe it would help. They also had all the ropes for setting up their tent and they wouldn’t need them in the house.

 

‘I found a small brook not that far away,’ Nezumi continued after a short pause. ‘It should provide drinking water even if the lake freezes and in the worst case we can melt the snow,’ he added. Shion looked at him for a moment, letting the words sink.

 

‘Do you think the lake will freeze?’ he asked. Open water, frozen? He could not imagine how cold in felt when the temperatures got low enough for that to happen and for the first time he worried. Could they survive in a place that cold? But Nezumi seemed calm about it and he seemed to expect the lake to freeze, so maybe it was alright. After all, it wouldn’t be the first time that he had blindly trusted his life in Nezumi’s hands and they might have changed a lot, but surely Shion had enough trust to believe in his precious person again.

 

‘Where do you think we are?’ Nezumi asked back. ‘Of course the lake will freeze and we might get snowed under, which will not be so bad, because snow can act as isolation and will keep us warm,’ he added. ‘I heard,’ he muttered so quietly that Shion barely heard him. He heard? It didn’t sound all that trust-inspiring, but Shion decided to overlook it.

 

‘What about the fire wood?’ he asked, because trust was one thing, but he needed to know how things would work. Nezumi shrugged and said they would keep as much as they could inside the house anyway, so that it’s properly dried and Shion started looking at the space around them with different eyes. They needed to store the apples and mushrooms and meat, and now also the fire wood! He wondered if the bedroom dubbed as storage back when Yuu and Alma lived here and whether they would make it into the storage while they lived in the main room.

 

Not that it mattered, as long as they were together.

 

Oh how he wanted to say that to Nezumi, but his precious person was as skittish as a deer and Shion knew better than to announce things like that. Or so he thought in any case so instead he promised to clean the dishes first thing in the morning, or at least after they ate the leftover soup for breakfast. Those were neutral, sensible things and Nezumi nodded with satisfaction and said that he was going to sleep and that was the moment Shion had been waiting for ever since his friend disturbed him from reading. He bid Nezumi goodnight and said that he would keep the fire going for a while, but he knew, from Nezumi’s smirk, that he was transparent.

 

Nevertheless, Nezumi said nothing and Shion added one more piece of wood into the fireplace and settled close enough to be able to read by the firelight. It was hardly ideal and he could hear his mother’s voice in his head, scolding him for not caring about his eyes, but his mother was far and now was the only time of the day he would have to read.

 

Nezumi, when Shion had asked, said that he wanted nothing to do with the notebook and he didn’t want to know about neither Alma nor Yuu. Although maybe it was because the person with the long hair, Shion suspected it must have been Alma, since she wrote that Yuu was a “he”, looked so much like Nezumi. Of course the sly, little rat said nothing about it, but Shion had noticed his expression when he had earlier shown him the photo.

 

 _Dear diary, I’m bored_ , he read and almost laughed out loud. He stopped himself in the last second, because Nezumi was probably already asleep. _I’m still rather weak so I don’t get up much and Yuu is too busy to keep me company. Also I think he doesn’t want and I can understand. It is awkward when he comes to bed in the evening, but it’s the only bed we have and sleeping on the floor is not really an option, due to the chill. So he comes as late as he can and leaves as early as the sun wakes up and he’s busy all the day._

_There are many things to do, admittedly, and I think Yuu is not very good at doing them. Then again, I think I wouldn’t even know how to go about making a chair and I’ve seen him succeed in making two, so I think he’s pretty amazing._

 

Tsukio jumped onto Shion’s shoulder and chirped, but he shushed it and explained that he couldn’t read out loud, because Nezumi was asleep. This earned him a scoff and he knew he was wrong, even without Nezumi saying that he was awake and that if Shion wanted, he should read it out loud. Probably, Nezumi claimed, it would be so boring that it would only help him to sleep, but Shion knew better. His precious person was curious, so he cleared his throat and read out loud, doing his best to not have it turn completely flat.

 

_Meanwhile, however, I am getting bored out of my head. Sometimes, when the weather is nice, Yuu picks me up and takes me out of the bed and I sit outside, watching the view. Often, when it’s raining, I sit propped on this bed and I watch the same view through the window. It’s beautiful. It’s the first time I see anything outside the labs and I will never get enough of it. The sheer space in front of me is enough to make my dizzy and if I try to imagine that it doesn’t end where I see the cliffs, well, that is just amazing._

_Even Yuu admits that it’s pretty, although he never says the words. He doesn’t say much in general and has yet to tell me where exactly we are, not that I would know. He only said that we’re far from the Sixth Laboratory and just as far from the North American Branch and that really is good enough for me. In any case I know what this place is called because this name calls to me when I look out the window, through the raindrops, or when I sit and watch the sun shimmer in the water ripples._

_The Cliffs of Gallifrey._

_Yuu actually laughed when I told him, but it was a sad kind of laugh. I don’t think he can laugh the way we laughed back then anymore and I dread to think what his life has been until now. But there is hope in this place and I have hope that I we will laugh together before that damned core of mine gives up. I didn’t tell him that of course, not yet._

_I wait for him to be ready. I wait for myself to be ready, but I know that I should not wait too much, because every day could be the last one. I see that thought in Yuu’s expression every time that he looks at me and says nothing and I know that this is why he keeps his distance. But this place fills me with hope and I dare to dream now that we have some time together this time. And I see this hope seeping into Yuu and I see him fighting it but he is going to lose this battle. Because this place, Cliffs of Gallifrey, is a place of hope._

_And I need to finish for now, because Yuu is back. He was down in the village buying some supplies and maybe he has stories to tell. Not that he knows yet, but I was alone nearly the whole day today and I do deserve some entertainment and he should know, he should remember that I love to talk._

 

The entry ended there and Shion stopped reading, listening to the deep, regular breathing that filled the silence, entwining with the crackling of the fire. Nezumi was asleep. Did he really find the words in the diary boring? Shion looked at the words and wondered about the things Alma wrote. It wasn’t what he expected. He thought they had been happy, but obviously they had bad things happen to them in their lives.

 

Like me and Nezumi, he thought.

 

He looked at the next page and started reading, quietly this time. He was not going to fall asleep yet anyway, so why not? After all, it wasn’t like he needed to wait for Nezumi, because Nezumi was not interested.

 

_Dear diary. Today I discovered that I am strong enough to walk outside and sit down on the bench. I saw through the window that the weather was nice and I really wanted to feel the sun and Yuu was busy with something and I didn’t want to disturb him. So I got up and I walked out, albeit clinging to the walls when I could and it took me time, but I managed. That is the important part: I managed. Although it means that Yuu will not carry me again and that’s a shame. I liked it when he carried me so carefully._

_In the beginning, after I woke up, I only sat inside on the bed, watching the view from the window. Only once I told Yuu that it would be nice to feel the sun on my face. I heard it felt nice, I said. Yuu made a face and said nothing back then. I didn’t insist, because the last thing I wanted was to be a burden to him, but I did feel a bit disappointed. Then, one particularly sunny day, he just came into the room and picked me up. Just like that, without any explanation: typically Yuu-style. I must have gasped in shock. I want to laugh when I think about it now, but back then I surely blushed like crazy. And he held me so carefully._

_But it was over so fast, too fast, because Yuu didn’t waste time to sit me on a bench in front of the house, facing the Cliffs of Gallifrey. I was so happy that day and afterwards whenever the weather was nice I didn’t even have to say anything. Yuu would come and pick me up from bed, carefully like I was precious to him and I, not surprised anymore, would wrap my hands around his neck in what is the closest thing to a hug we ever shared. I will miss that, even if it only ever lasted for the few moments that Yuu needed to put me on the bench._

_I’m sitting on the very same bench now and I still see how clumsily it was made. It holds, but it’s clear Yuu made it himself and that he made it for me warms my heart. Figuratively speaking of course. He also made the rest of our furniture afterwards and sometimes I saw him struggle, but the bench was not necessary. He did it so that I can sit out here, soaking in the sun and it feels good._

_It turns out that Yuu is outside, setting up a herb path. I can just see him when I turn my head left and it’s the most peaceful I have seen him look since I woke up and I’m doubly glad I didn’t disturb him. Triply glad because of the surprise on his face when I showed up and the hope that he tried to chase away with a scowl but didn’t quite manage._

_I wish I saw this peaceful face more often but I don’t think he feels peaceful often. Even at night, when he’s supposed to rest, Yuu has nightmares. Every night, he wakes up, gasping for breath and trembling. Every night he refuses to talk about it but every night I see the pain in his eyes. Me I don’t dream much. Sometimes I remember things I wish to forget but, invariably, Yuu waking up wakes me before the dreams get too bad. It makes me feel guilty, because he’s the only one to suffer and he doesn’t say much, but I know he’s suffering._

_Sometimes, when he thinks I’m asleep, he stays awake watching me and I wish he talked to me instead. It doesn’t happen often though, because he’s usually tired in the evenings. He works the whole day, saying that we need to be prepared for the winter. Oh and he did tell me that winter wasn’t a person. It’s a time of the year when it gets cold and where we are it apparently gets particularly cold. So Yuu has a lot to do. He comes in to bed and falls asleep facing away, but then he turns towards me pretty soon. Sometimes it’s me who watches him, enjoying the rare moments when he looks peaceful, a bit like now as he’s tending to the herb path, but they don’t last long. That he knows how to grow all those herbs is almost funny because he barely knows how to cook._

_But I’m digressing. I think that some of his nightmares might have to do with me... Not being there. It’s pretentious to say that but it’s nearly written on his face some of the nights, when he wakes up and looks at me. I want to help him and there’s only one way I came up with: I’ll hug him tonight. I’ll be there and scare the nightmares away._

_That I want to touch him has nothing to do with it. Absolutely nothing._

Shion snorted quietly at the last part and closed the diary carefully before glancing at Nezumi. He laughed but he could understand Alma: he too wanted to touch Nezumi. He wanted to be close, to feel the other’s warmth, like he had in that room. But now they had sleeping bags that kept them warm and no excuse to cuddle up.


	5. Nezumi and Yuu

Shion looked up from his work when he heard Nezumi curse. They started their work before dawn again, but dawn came late in those parts and they had a lot to do. They decided to prepare material for the furniture and Nezumi was nice enough to make Shion start on the mattress. It was not easy to cut the overgrown grass without a proper scythe, but at least he didn’t get splinters, like Nezumi, whose fingers were covered with plasters after just a couple of hours of work. The new curse meant another splinter and Shion abandoned his work of evenly distributing the grass on the bedroom floor for drying and went to help Nezumi.

 

‘This is so stupid,’ the dark-haired teen complained, as Shion expertly took out the splinter and put a plaster in its place. Shion smiled softly to himself and said nothing, because when Nezumi was in a bad mood he would not listen to reason. A bit like Yuu, as far as Shion could tell from Alma’s descriptions. It was funny how Nezumi was doing exactly the same work as Yuu had so many years ago: the furniture.

 

‘Don’t you think it would be nice to be able to sit outside and watch the cliffs?’ he asked, the words out before he had time to think. Nezumi looked at him strangely and said nothing. Then, as though in answer to his words, drops of rain tapped against the windows. One, two, three taps and then it started pouring.

 

‘It’s good that you got the grass in before,’ Nezumi said and turned to the piece of wood he was trying to polish. ‘I think I got a hang of it now, so when you’re done with the grass, come and I will teach you. We have a lot of wood to polish,’ he added. Shion looked at him for a moment, before quietly agreeing to the plan and going back to the bedroom, where he was almost done. Rather than delaying the inevitable, he hurried to join Nezumi.

 

Polishing the wood was a difficult task and they had a lot to polish, thankfully all stacked in the main room, rather than out in the pouring rain. True to his word, Nezumi had figured out how to do it without getting too many splinters and they spent the hours until dawn silently working. Polishing wood was hard work, but it required no activity from the brain and Shion found his thoughts wandering.

 

He wondered if Alma really did hug Yuu to sleep better and whether it had worked. He wondered if Nezumi would agree to connect their sleeping bags, which were mirrored, when they had the bed with a mattress or would they be sleeping separately, only next to each other. He decided he will try his best to convince the other because if he managed, he could sneak in a hug or two. And Nezumi did not have nightmares like Yuu, but he tossed and turned a lot at night and Shion did remember that he slept calmer back in their room in West Block. It was dizzying to think that it might have been because Shion was there.

 

‘I’ll check the traps,’ Nezumi said at dawn and left without any unnecessary comment. Shion smiled a bit to himself, because Nezumi never wasted words, and went on polishing the wood, almost subconsciously optimizing his work. In the silence, he wondered how Yuu had gone about it and, merely glancing at the amount of wood needed to be polished, wondered how long it had taken him to do everything alone.

 

Lost in thoughts, he barely noticed the time passing or even the amount of work he accomplished until Nezumi returned, visibly impressed. He said nothing though and Shion would have laughed because that was so typically Nezumi, but Nezumi was not in a good mood despite everything. He was drenched and shivering with cold and so Shion jumped to get one of their towels from the back pack and wrapped the other in it, before going to put more wood into the fire.

 

‘I left the meat outside, because there are splinters everywhere on the floor,’ the dark-haired teenager announced neutrally and Shion knew that he was right. He looked around and nodded to himself, before offering to go and cut the meat in pieces and prepare it outside. ‘You’ll freeze to death,’ Nezumi protested but they both knew it needed to be done and Shion did not want Nezumi to freeze to death either, so he said that polishing the wood was too difficult for him anyway and Nezumi would do a better job.

 

He nearly regretted his sacrifice the moment he stepped out and the big, cold droplets hit him.

 

In a matter of minutes his clothes were soaked through and it didn’t even change anything when he accidentally tripped and fell into the lake while he was cleaning the meat. And by the time he was done he couldn’t feel his fingers and his teeth were chattering uncontrollably, but he had finished! He brought back the pot, filled with meat and rainwater and noticed that Nezumi hasn’t only polished the furniture.

 

‘Strip,’ barked Nezumi the moment Shion closed the door behind him with a horrible screech. His eyes widened, but then his brain switched on as well and he realised that he needed to get out of the soaked clothes. He did as he was told and welcomed the warmth of the soft towel that Nezumi wrapped around him, before leading him towards the fireplace. And as Shion slowly thawed up, Nezumi hanged his clothes next to his own on the ropes he must have put up under the ceiling.

 

‘I think we need to dig up the waterproof gear,’ he said when his teeth stopped chattering and Nezumi nodded mutely, before forcing him to seat on a chair. It took Shion a long moment to realise the significance of that fact and he looked up at Nezumi with wonder, making the other blush ever so slightly and look away.

 

‘Don’t give me that adoring look,’ Nezumi snapped finally. ‘It’s nothing amazing, but it holds,’ he added. Shion told him he thought it was amazing and Nezumi scoffed. ‘We should make better, but I saw you out in that rain and I figured you might need one to sit when you’re back, so I made it,’ he said moodily. As warmth flooded him, Shion realised this must have been what Alma felt sitting on the bench outside the house. He smiled.

 

‘Thank you, Nezumi,’ he said honestly, unsurprised at the grimace his sincere words earned him. Really, Nezumi was hopeless to accept prise or recognition of any sort, unless he could coat it in sarcasm or mocking. Even now he only muttered that he was going back to work and Shion watched him for a while, polishing what would probably make the frame of their bed. And when he felt that he had recovered from the cold, Shion went about putting the meat up to smoke, leaving a big portion in the pot. They would have food for the day and maybe even tomorrow.

 

That evening he was too tired to even think about the diary and the same happened the following three days when it rained relentlessly and the wind howled and they worked on their furniture with breaks only to check on the animal traps and cleaning the meat and taking care of it. And warming up afterwards, because even the raingear seemed to be at the end of its resistance to rain and cold. Then finally the sky cleared and Nezumi announced that the furniture could wait because they needed to stock up on food.

 

They had discovered that in the back of the house, accessible only from the outside, there was a small room meant most probably for storage. It was not heated from the fireplace, or not much in any case, but it was protected from the harsh winds and that was where Nezumi started bringing the winter apples he gathered and the wild potatoes and carrots he found. He said it was surprising to find all that but Shion was not all that surprised: after all, didn’t Alma and Yuu live around there for a while? Surely they must have had some supplies as well.

 

The small storage was also where Shion put the meat when he deemed it smoked and dry enough and he prayed that he got it right or they would be screwed. He also hanged the mushrooms, which were incredibly many after the days of rain, for drying. He hanged all the herbs he could salvage and at some point it started to look promising and when the next bout of rain came Nezumi was much more relaxed and Shion could go back to reading the diary quietly, while Nezumi was polishing the wood and putting the bed together.

 

_Dear diary. I fully expected Yuu to shout at me for being clingy today in the morning but he didn’t. He said nothing, which shouldn’t surprise me all that much, but he slept through the night without a problem. He didn’t even toss around like usually and I was the first one to wake up, which has never happened so far. I will cherish this memory for as long as I live, so please bear with me as I write about it._

_He was still in my arms when I woke up, but at some point of night he turned to face me and so when I woke up I could look at him. I dared not to move because he was tired, between all the work and sleeping badly, and I could see it. If he could rest for once I wasn’t going to be the one to disturb him. Besides, I was in bed with my most precious person: why would I want to move? And he is beautiful. I’m not sure if I realized it before, but he is and today in the morning I couldn’t tear my eyes away. I had to force myself to not trace his features with my hand because he sleeps light and that would sure wake him up._

_Eventually, he did wake up anyway. Quietly and slowly and when he opened his eyes and looked straight at me my breath caught because his eyes- No, not his eyes: the expression in them, the happiness that I have never seen before – it took my breath away. And so I smiled and he looked surprised, as though he thought it was still a dream._

 

Nezumi had done that once, Shion realized. Once only Shion woke up before Nezumi and he could witness Nezumi awakening and there had been that look of happiness in Nezumi’s beautiful, grey eyes. It lasted only a moment, because then Nezumi realised they were in bed and that he had actually snuggled up to Shion during the night and he shot out of bed with a scowl that didn’t make Shion miss the faint blush on his cheeks. Afterwards, always, Shion woke up to find the bed empty.

 

With a sigh, he looked back at the page of clumsy writing.

 

_Of course it didn’t last long, because Yuu haven’t changed that much in the years that he had lived alone. I’m sure I saw a blush on his face though, as he jumped out of the bed and said that he was going to prepare food and I should rest more. Soon this excuse will not work, because I feel stronger and stronger every day and yesterday I did manage to walk on my own. To point this out I actually got up and somehow got myself to the other room and we ate together for the first time, which was great, even if it was again a soup, because did I mention that Yuu cannot cook? He tried and only because he did I know that there are other dishes than soup, but everything he did turned out rather bad. The soup he manages alright so now he makes only soups. Also I don’t think I can make anything at all, so I cannot complain._

 

Shion snorted and, with the corner of his eye, saw Nezumi look up. So much for not being interested, he thought, catching Nezumi’s eyes and smiling when the other looked away immediately, going back to his work of attaching the legs to the frame.

 

It looked like the bed could be ready for that night, so he closed the diary and went to the bedroom to check the grass, finding it dry. They had decided to wrap the grass in a part of the tent, which they wouldn’t need, staying in the house. He went about that getting, eventually, something that looked decent enough and he was done with perfect timing. Just as he finished trying up the cloth, Nezumi poked his head in and said that the frame was ready.

 

With some difficulties, they manoeuvred the frame into the bedroom and Shion took care to put the bed such that, sitting up, he could see the cliffs through the window. He felt silly doing it, but Nezumi thankfully said nothing. Shion saw him rolling his eyes, but there was no mocking or sarcasm to go with the expression. Then, as they put the mattress on the frame, a thought occurred to Shion: Nezumi must have listened to what Shion read the other night.

 

Tempting as it was, Shion didn’t call Nezumi on that slip, despite the wild desire to do so. Nezumi said, for reasons Shion couldn’t understand, that he wasn’t interested in the story and Shion knew that the other was stubborn enough to force himself to not be interested anymore, if he thought it would prove his point. So instead of mocking his friend, he offered to prepare the bed while Nezumi cooked and Nezumi, probably not thinking twice about the offer, agreed. Shion had a plan.

 

He wasn’t going to be able to force the words out and suggest they hug. Nezumi would only laugh it off and make a comment about how Shion hadn’t changed over the years and how he needed to grow up finally. But Shion had grown up. He opened the two sleeping bags completely and, as the first smell of the evening’s food wafted through the air, he zipped them together into one. Nezumi would not comment because that would imply he cared and so Shion would be free to try his luck in repeating Alma’s stunt.

 

As he left the bedroom, satisfied with his plan, it occurred to him that they also always ate soups.

 

It was amazing how similar they were to Alma and Yuu. He thought that when they ate that evening and when he hugged Nezumi, who was already asleep. He wished he could think it again the following morning, but Nezumi was already up when he woke up and Shion’s only consolation was that the other didn’t protest against the double sleeping bag or against the cuddle. He supposed he should be happy with what he got and he was. Living with Nezumi was good enough, he told himself for what must have been the hundredth time.

 

Life went on for a couple of days, with Nezumi putting together the furniture and bringing the meat and Shion taking care of their food and cleaning the floor from the splinters Nezumi produced. He took his time to read the diary, discovering more and more about Alma and Yuu and finding more and more similarities between Yuu and Nezumi. And Nezumi never once asked for Shion to read out loud and never expressed his interest.

 

Then one day, when Shion was coming back from the forest, with a bucket full of hazelnuts he found while exploring, he saw Nezumi outside, placing a bench in front of the house. He paused, amazed, and watched, thoughts racing in his head and Nezumi must have felt his presence. Their gazes met, but Shion couldn’t read the expression on Nezumi’s face at all. Then the moment passed and Nezumi went back inside and Shion followed, nearly tripping because he couldn’t look away from the bench, wondering if Nezumi was trying to tell him something. They didn’t talk about it, of course, probably in the same way as Alma and Yuu never talked about it.

 

They had less and less to do and Shion took to reading the diary out in the sun, whenever he could, despite the growing chill. Sometimes, Nezumi would join him and Shion would read out loud without being asked to. Alma mainly wrote about their daily life, sometimes about what happened to them before and it was always confusing. It seemed like Alma knew nothing about the world and Yuu had to teach him what different food products were and explain the wind and storms. It made no sense unless Alma’s frequent mentions of a “lab” meant that he had really been a lab rat. The very thought made Shion shiver, but it seemed more and more probable.

 

Alma didn’t seem willing to explain though and Shion lost hope that the tone of the diary would change until one day that brought the first snow and a change in Yuu’s and Alma’s lives.

 

_Dear diary. Two things happened today. In the morning we woke up to find the world covered in white. Yuu said it is called snow and it falls instead of rain when it gets cold enough and yes: it is cold. It is beautiful also and it makes the night brighter and quieter and I think Yuu likes the cloudy sky better. I went out to look at this snow closer, while Yuu went to check if we caught anything in the traps. When he came back it was not a dead animal he carried and I haven’t seen him so worried for a while. He came back carrying a person with fire-red hair and an ugly wound in the place of one eye and many other injuries and half-frozen to death._


	6. Lavi

After the first, delicate snow came a vicious storm that forced Shion and Nezumi to stay inside. It was already a challenge to walk around the house to pick up wood and food, but with the fire going inside, Shion didn’t mind at all. In fact, it was what he had hoped for when he first thought about spending the winter together with Nezumi in the house. What was more, it was Nezumi who suggested they cuddle up under the blanket at some point, to keep warm next to the fire. And it was Nezumi who asked whether Shion would continue reading, now that something was finally happening in the diary. And Shion didn’t need to be told twice.

The person is called Lavi, according to Yuu. It’s a miracle he’s even alive and I’m almost expecting him to stop breathing any moment now. We put him in bed and wrapped him in all the blankets we have and Yuu went to the village he told me is nearby, to try and get some medical supplies, because Lavi is a human.

‘What?’ Nezumi asked. Shion rolled his eyes and asked back whether Nezumi couldn’t even enjoy a story without interrupting it. ‘No but, what does he mean that Lavi is a human? Is this Alma not a human? Or the other one for that matter?’ Shion’s precious person asked and Shion did have to admit that it was weird.

‘Sometimes Alma writes weird stuff,’ he said with a shrug. For him it didn’t change the core of the story and he was willing to dismiss it as fanciful imagination. So when Nezumi said nothing more, Shion went back to reading the diary entry that was obviously not as coherent as the previous ones. He could clearly see that Alma took long breaks between the paragraphs, especially when, at some point, Yuu had presumably returned.

It took Yuu almost a whole day to come back and he looked ready to fall over when he did. He said there is snow until waist at some points and people in the village thought they saw a ghost when he appeared. I think he would like them to believe so, because he doesn’t want them to know somebody lives by the lake, but Lavi did need the medication or he would surely die.

For now he’s as good as he can be. We took care of his injuries, or mainly Yuu did, because I have no idea what to do about anything like that. I helped him as well as I could, but it still took us a long time to finish. Then we wrapped Lavi in as many blankets as we could spare and I made the biggest fire ever in the fireplace. And then I forced Yuu to tell me who Lavi is.

I didn’t expect to hear that Lavi is an Exorcist, but it certainly explains a part of Yuu’s worry and it makes me worried as well. I don’t want the Black Order to find us. I don’t want to go back no matter if I would become an experiment or an Exorcist and the last thing I want is to have the Innocence again. Just the thought makes it hurt deep inside and I can see that pain reflected in Yuu’s eyes so I know that he thinks the same. But Lavi is unconscious for the moment and I see that Yuu is also worried for him, even though I’m sure he was not joking when he said he would rather kill Lavi then risk the Order finding us.

There is still hope, even though it seems cruel to Lavi, because he had gone missing. Yuu said that, before I came back, he overheard people he calls Finders talk about how Lavi and his master, Bookman, had gone missing on the day that I had gone berserk. So instead of worrying and probably to not think about that day, Yuu told me about Bookmen and their task to record the history.

On the next page Lavi woke up, according to Alma’s descriptions, rather disoriented. Seeing Yuu, whom he called “Kanda” for reasons that Alma did not understand, he thought he was back in the place called Black Order, but seemed to be quite relieved when he found out he wasn’t. He steadily got better also, with each diary entry, recovering from all his injuries with only a mild limp from a badly abused knee.

It seems that Lavi will stay for the winter. Both he and Yuu agreed that it would be impossible to brave the snow and go to wherever he would like to go and if Lavi went to the village they would just be curious about the people living by the lake. Lavi seems to understand that Yuu doesn’t want anybody to know about us living here. In fact he seems to understand much more than we ever told him and it annoys Yuu, while I can just wonder: does he know what we really are? I think Yuu thinks he does. I think that is what annoys him the most.

But having Lavi around is great. He taught us to cook and food is suddenly so much better. Although he did say that there’s nothing he could think of to improve the soup. He fixed some stuff that Yuu didn’t really know how to do and it annoys Yuu even more, but I know that deep inside he is also grateful. He will not say anything of course, but he made the third chair with Lavi’s help, and they made a bed for Lavi, so that none of us has to sleep on the floor. In any case, it has been Yuu sleeping on the floor before, saying that between the three of us it is him who needs comfort the least. I don’t agree, since I’m perfectly fine now, but Yuu can be really stubborn about things.

Most importantly, however, Lavi likes to talk. When he’s awake he fills all the silences with chatter and I love it. I love his stories. He tells me about the places he has seen while Yuu sulks around, pretending to not listen or care. He draws also: he took my spare notebook and he fills it with sketches of the views he thinks are worthy and he told me that he has a photographic memory, so things really look like he has drawn them. It feels almost as though I have seen those places and this is far more than I could have ever hoped for.

To that Shion could relate, although he firmly believed that seeing things with his own eyes was much better than seeing any drawing or reading any description. Perhaps with the exception of some of Nezumi’s descriptions, so maybe Lavi was a bit like Nezumi in that aspect. Although when Alma wrote about the ocean, Shion knew that no description can possibly compare and he knew, from the way Alma wrote it, that Alma could not really imagine the ocean properly. It was even more visible when he compared it to the description of Northern Lights: that description made Shion itch with the desire to see the phenomenon.

‘I hope they got to travel also,’ he said out of the blue and Nezumi actually startled, which in turn surprised Shion. Was Nezumi that much into the story, poorly read by him? It didn’t seem likely and anyway, Nezumi’s reply made Shion forget all about it.

‘It’s clear they didn’t,’ he said in a harsh tone. ‘They are escapees from somewhere called Black Order and that thing or organization is apparently very powerful. If they found a place this remote they would not risk going away and being seen, would they? They should hole up here,’ he added.

‘You didn’t hole up in the West Block,’ Shion pointed out, earning a scowl.

‘West Block was a fight for survival. This here is an isolated place in the middle of wilderness. Besides, I didn’t want to escape, I wanted to bring No. 6 down,’ Nezumi replied. Of course, Shion thought and they looked at each other in silence for a while. Outside the wind howled and it got completely dark, but that didn’t mean it was late yet.

‘Will you continue reading?’ Nezumi asked and moved to put more wood in the fireplace. Shion waited for him to come back under the blanket and then looked down at the words. He realised that the letters got somewhat less clumsy and it did fit with the idea of Alma having been a lab rat who hadn’t been taught much and didn’t have reasons to write. He didn’t like that idea any more than he did when he first got it though, so he pushed the thought away.

Every now and then Lavi also talks about the Black Order and the life he and Yuu led there. Those stories annoy Yuu the most and that is when he snaps at Lavi to not call him by his given name so Lavi took pity and told me that Yuu demanded to be called “Kanda”. He cheerfully ignored that demand right after and took no notice of the threats that Yuu kept growling at the “idiot rabbit”. That is Yuu’s nickname for Lavi.

I think they were friends, back in the Black Order. It makes me happy to know that Yuu had friends during the years when I was frozen in the North American Branch and he thought he had killed me. I wish that he had been happy during that time, but I can hear the things Lavi doesn’t say and I know he wasn’t. I know that the hatred which made me kill everybody back then poisoned Yuu all those years and I wish I could take it away. I wish I could take away the memories of the experiments and that horrible fight we had, well both of them.

I also wish that I didn’t have to remember that day, when I found out the truth. I know that I don’t deserve the mercy of forgetting, but I can wish anyway, right? I can almost hear Sirlins in my head, telling me that my sins are too grave for forgiveness and I know he’s right, but even now I feel anger at what they did to us. Even after the core had erased everything, when I remember those days of syncho testing, for the shortest moment I feel that they got what they deserved. And if the murders I have committed don’t damn me to hell for eternity that thought does, but I cannot help it. And that is another reason why we should stay away from Black Order, because if I would get the Innocence back…

Lavi knows everything. He knows about the original bodies and about the synchro testing and he knows that I killed everybody and wanted to kill Yuu as well. He told me today, when Yuu went out to get more wood. He told me that being a Bookman he had access to the archives of the Black Order and that he was supposed to read as much as he could. The Second Exorcist project was just one of the things he read, but the others don’t matter now and he didn’t have much time, because he said Yuu would go berserk if he heard what he wanted to say. He told me that Yuu suffered those years not because he hated the Order, but because he thought he had killed me. He told me he thinks that the only person who could make Yuu happy is me and that I should do what my instincts tell me to.

‘Stupid, emotional sap,’ growled Nezumi, jumping up from where he was sitting. He completely surprised and scared Shion, who was on the verge of crying. ‘This guy sure had some imagination to write all that bullshit,’ he added, but Shion realised that he was upset. He was not angry but he didn’t want Shion to see that he was sad. Too bad Shion knew him pretty well by then, but he didn’t call him on the lie. Instead, he watched how Nezumi prepared food in curt, angry moves.

They ate in silence and then Nezumi wanted Shion to read some more of the diary, but he quickly lost interest. Next couple of entries were of Alma agonizing whether he should trust Lavi’s judgement and do what he wanted to do. Shion started to get a feeling of what it was, but that was only because similar thoughts tormented him ever since he and Nezumi left the City. Should he act upon his feelings?

He wondered if Nezumi also understood the same from Alma’s entries.

Entwined between the agonizing were snippets of information Lavi had shared with Alma, things he had taught him, but nothing really interesting happened until Nezumi decided it was time to sleep. So they slept, cuddled up under the protection of the sleeping bag and Shion could almost believe that Nezumi would reciprocate his feelings. However, in the light of day, he was too scared to act or speak, lest he destroyed some delicate balance between them.

When they woke up the snow storm was still going on, so they did the same thing as the previous day: Nezumi braved the outside to bring some food and wood. Shion cooked some soup and then they cuddled up under a blanket to read more of the diary. There were two more pages of random stories and loosely connected facts, after which Shion turned the page to find a second photo. It was again black and white and faded and it portrayed two people. One was the same as on the previous photo, the one Shion was sure must have been Alma, while next to her was a grinning person that could be none other than Lavi. On the back there was no dedication, only two names: Lavi and Yuu.

‘What?’ asked Shion, realising turning it back to look at the photo again. Indeed the expression on the face of the long-haired person fitted Yuu’s character much better than Alma’s, as far as Shion could say, but Yuu was doubtlessly male and-

‘What “what”?’ asked Nezumi.

‘I thought this was Alma,’ Shion blurted out without thinking. ‘Yuu is a man,’ he added when Nezumi looked at him strangely.

‘Of course he’s a man,’ scoffed Nezumi. ‘Do I look like a woman do you?’ he asked and Shion knew it was not the type of question that required an answer. He wouldn’t have thought that Nezumi would take offense, having played the female part in many plays, but it was true that he never pretended to be a woman off-stage. He didn’t seem impressed now either, when Shion didn’t answer and Shion decided that the best thing would be to change the topic, so he put away the photo and looked at the page of the notebook.

Dear diary, Lavi left today, he read and he knew, from the number of entries, that there wasn’t one per day. Obviously, at some point Alma got better things to do than write and it was a good thought. The snow is not fully gone, but mostly and Lavi is in as good form as he will ever be, or so he says. He disappeared yesterday for a long while and came back with a camera and insisted to take a photo of us. When it came out, I forced him to explain how it works and I forced him and Yuu to pose for another picture, which I will keep on this page. It’s so much fun, the camera. I wish we had one here for longer, but Yuu just told me that it’s silly and expensive and there is nothing to take photos of. Typical Yuu.

In any case, we cooked a really nice dinner for Lavi yesterday, when he came back. He just showed us, three days ago, how to fish and clean the fish, so we went for it and it was delicious grilled on the fire. It might be my new favourite thing, although taking out the fish bones is a pain. It also means we ate twice as long as usual and I think Lavi would like to use that as an excuse to not leave yet. But he won’t do it, because he thinks it’s already suspicious he disappeared for so long, now that he became a Bookman. He will go to meet other Bookmen and tell them about what happened to his master. I don’t envy him that task.

He promised to visit whenever he can. He gave me the photo with dedication and he left without looking back.

I will miss him. I think so will Yuu, even though he says the opposite. No, I know for sure that Yuu will miss Lavi because they are friends and even having me back, even if Lavi insisted it was the most important for Yuu, will not replace that. I will not try. Instead I hope that Lavi comes back to visit soon and brings us new stories from the wide world. Until then, I will do my best to make Yuu happy.

‘Surely he can start doing something instead of saying it,’ Nezumi muttered. Shion felt his eyes widen as he looked at his friend, wondering if Nezumi meant what he thought he meant. It must have been a misunderstanding though, right? But Nezumi was looking away and it was impossible to see his face, which only made Shion’s head spin.

‘Maybe he’s afraid to do something wrong?’ Shion asked shyly, but Nezumi didn’t reply. Maybe, Shion thought, Yuu was as difficult as Nezumi to read. When Nezumi looked at him, he was afraid for a moment that he had said it out loud, but the other just sighed and said he was going to check if the snowstorm had calmed. As doors closed behind Nezumi, Shion hit his head against the notebook with a desperate moan. His head was driving him crazy and that was even without Nezumi’s weird comments.


	7. Alma and Shion

The snowstorm calmed and disappeared, leaving the sky beautifully blue and the temperature very low. Nevertheless, Shion and Nezumi profited from the good weather by exploring a bit the forests nearby and, using Alma’s detailed notes about fishing, catching some fish from under the ice. It was nice to have fresh food and Shion didn’t really want to think about the whole winter of smoked meat. Thankfully they had some vegetables as least, although it was unsure how long the potatoes and carrots would keep, so Nezumi insisted they don’t spare them too much.

 

For a couple of days, Shion nearly forgot about the diary, Alma and Yuu and Lavi. Walking in the deep snow was tiring and he slept really well those days. It felt like they were the only people in the world and it was a surprisingly good feeling. It made it alright to do silly stuff and Shion lost count of the snow fights they had with the beautiful, pristine white snow. Ice skating with their shoes on the lake was also fun and Shion couldn’t even begin to count the number of time he burst out laughing because he fell or Nezumi almost fell. He did notice though and he did count the amount of times Nezumi laughed and he cherished those moments. It wasn’t often that Nezumi laughed like that, genuinely, but he seemed more relaxed those days.

 

Afterwards the weather turned bad again, but it came as a nice change and again Shion welcomed the possibility to spend some quiet time with Nezumi. The latter took to repeating his favourite pieces of plays and of that Shion would never get enough. He tried to learn, but Nezumi was a difficult teacher and more often than not Shion decided he should give up. Those times he would return to the diary and read out one or two entries, while Nezumi cooked.

 

 _Lavi came back earlier than I expected him to_ , wrote Alma one day. It was difficult to judge the passage of time, since there were no dates and even very few mentions of the passing days, but Shion deduced it must have been the very beginning of spring, maybe a month after Lavi had left. He too hadn’t thought Lavi would have come back that fast.

 

_He didn’t come empty handed either. He brought seeds and samplings and told Yuu how and when to plant what and how to take care of the plants afterwards. This year we will have our own potatoes and carrots and also onions and tomatoes. In some years we might have fruits: apples and pears, because Lavi brought samplings but they apparently need time. We will also have some things I don’t know yet and probably three times as many herbs and spices as we had last year. Lavi said it was the least he could do to thank us for saving his life. He was sure, he says, that when the Noah left him in the wilderness he was done for._

_I think Yuu doesn’t like to remember that Noah had been so close to our place. I definitely don’t like the idea, which is why we are going to start to train. Not that we can do anything against a Noah without the Innocence, but it will make me feel better. It will also occupy us and I think Yuu is starting to go crazy here. It’s calm and quiet and he claims to like it, but I know that it’s the first time since he left the Sixth Lab that he’s surrounded by quite so much calm and quiet._

_Lavi didn’t stay long this time, saying that he had a new mission. His first mission as a Bookman, he said and he sounded proud so I am happy for him. He did stay enough to teach me about recognizing different, possibly useful plants we could find in the forest once the spring came for good. Like that, he said, once the summer and autumn come, we can have berries and nuts and I’m looking forward to try them all. He also taught me about scale and so I can draw a schematic of our little place now and later mark where we find berries and nuts in the forest._

 

Indeed the entry was followed by a crude sketch that showed the house, the lake and the cliffs, but also the herb path exactly where it was and a garden that was probably swallowed up by the forest by now. It did seem in the scale too, if Shion only looked at the house and the herb path, because the lake and the mountains were obviously not complete. It also said there Alma had found blueberries and wild strawberries and hazelnuts written in smoother letters: Alma must have added it after finding out the information. Mysteriously, it said there were tulips in front of the house.

 

‘It would have been useful to know that before,’ muttered Nezumi, looking over Shion’s shoulder at the map. ‘It sure explains the potatoes and the carrots,’ he added and then commented how they could try and find onions in the spring. Shion tried to not get his hopes up that it meant what he thought it to mean.

 

After Lavi left, Alma and Yuu started to spar, or rather: Yuu started teaching Alma something they called kata. They were a series of movements to follow through, one after another and were what Yuu had apparently used when he fought for the Black Order. Alma’s descriptions were so detailed that Shion and Nezumi attempted to follow through, both to kill time during the winter and to maybe gain some knowledge in self-defence.

 

Shion was of course better at memorizing the descriptions and at some point he started repeating them from memory as the two of them went through move after move, slowly getting better. It was fun in a soothing kind of way, letting them focus just on the fluidity of the moves and the sequence, but Shion wasn’t sure how it could be used in a fight. He was pretty sure it couldn’t, until Alma wrote otherwise.

 

_Dear diary, for once I’m good in what I’m doing. Many of the things Lavi taught me were difficult to remember and so weird, but the kata come almost naturally. I think even Yuu is impressed by my progress, because he said we should start to use the moves in a real fight. Of course he needed to show off right afterwards, because he says my ego will explode otherwise, and he defeated me with only two kata. He performed them so fast I could barely watch, but it was beautiful. Nonetheless, my ego is thoroughly crushed. It told him but he didn’t seem bothered._

_For the second duel, Yuu moved slower and I could counter his moves if I remembered to not stare. He moves so gracefully, so fluently and- I think I’m in love. Regardless of everything that was and of who we had been, I think me, Alma: I am in love with Yuu. With this Yuu, not whom he used to be. What chance do I have that Yuu will reciprocate the feeling towards me? Sometimes there’s something in his eyes that gives me hope but I don’t dare to hope too much because the world is cruel. Sometimes I wonder if he sees Her when he looks at me and that thought hurts, because I’m not Her. I will never be Her and I don’t want to be, because I want to be me and I want to spend time with Yuu._

_After he won the third time with ease, I promised Yuu that I will get back at him one day. He laughed. He actually laughed and it was mocking, but it sounded happy and I felt warm inside. I could listen to him laugh for hours I think. He also said that if I win against him, and he said “if” not “when” that damned bastard, I can collect whatever a prize I want from him. He shouldn’t have said that, but I guess he didn’t know it would motivate me so much, because I already know what the prize I will collect will be. I thought about it for a while and now I know how I will do it. It is motivation enough to train twice as hard. In fact I started and now Yuu is trying to limit me, saying that I shouldn’t strain my body too much, I should not get injured, in case my core would not support the healing._

_As though I would let something like that stop me._

 

Shion thought that he knew what Alma would demand as a prize in the situation and it was inevitable that he assumed Alma would have thought the same. He hoped Alma managed also, but Nezumi took the small pause in reading as an excuse to get up and go to pick up more wood. He discovered, in the meantime, that the most recent snowstorm had finished and so they went out to practice the kata, trying to put them into fighting sequences with moderate success. It seemed like there was a fighting potential in the moves, but they couldn’t put the attack and defence together yet, so maybe Alma hadn’t shared everything.

 

They eventually returned to the diary to see if more advice would follow, but Alma did not describe the fights move by move. Only from his registry of the ways he lost they managed to get out some bits of descriptions. It wasn’t much, but they staged the “fails” and somehow it got them started thinking in another angle and suddenly the kata started fitting into the fight.

 

 _Dear diary, I won_ , read Shion one evening and he felt his excitement grow. He had expected some more pointers on the fights, but this would be so much better! He allowed himself a moment to grin, but then Nezumi poked him to continue reading. He laughed and complied.

 

_Today I finally won against Yuu for the first time. I did not forget his words about the prize and neither did he, but let me write all this up properly. The day started as usual: I cleaned the house while Yuu did some gardening. He loves to work with plants and earth and it makes me happy to see him so serene. We only start sparring when all the tasks for the day are finished, so it feels like an award already and it kind of is. Even when I lose I get to be close to Yuu, I get to see him in what he does best and I get to learn how to keep up. And every time I am getting better, even Yuu says it._

_Today, however, was quite another story. Yuu won the first duel and corrected me on how to move my feet when I changed direction and when we started the second duel, something changed. Of course I tried to do what he told me, but could it have made such a difference? I don’t know, but I could see that I was keeping up better, never letting Yuu land a blow and I think it surprised him as much as it surprised me. I think it was partly why I won, but I don’t really care because I got what I wanted. And more. I parried his blow and he tripped over something. It was so surprising that I almost didn’t use the chance, but I recovered a split of a second faster than him and used it to get him completely off balance. It didn’t go perfectly: I landed on top of him, because I miscalculated._

_It was weird. For a moment we were breathless from the fall and then Yuu laughed shortly and asked me what I wanted, since he had promised. For a moment I didn’t know what he meant. Then I remembered and looked at him, wondering how to say it. And he looked so beautiful: flushed from the fight, with his hair in disarray on the grass around his head. And there was this happy expression in his beautiful, dark-blue eyes that I might have seen for the very first time. And there was only one thing I could think of, so did it._

_I kissed him._

_I had meant for it to be more romantic, not lying in the grass, somewhat muddy and wet from the recent rains. I definitely didn’t mean to be squashing him into that mud either. It was perfect though. Needless to say that Yuu was surprised, but then he kissed me back and now I wonder if he said those things about the prize and taunted me to get better hoping that I would get an idea like that. It is a nice thought. However, back then I could only think about how perfect it was, how soft and warm his lips were and how delicious they tasted. I thought about how good it felt to be pressed so close to each other._

_When our lips finally parted, way too soon for my liking and I looked at him, Yuu smiled. It was just a small smile, as though he was shy about it, but it only expressed happiness and it was pure happiness that lit up his eyes as he looked back at me. Obviously he wanted that kiss, he wanted me. Stupidly, I felt tears well in my eyes just then, blurring his beautiful face in front of me. He told me I was silly for crying and I lied that I wasn’t crying before we kissed again._

_He’s taking a shower now, because he did spent quite a while pressed against the muddy grass. And I’m sitting here, trying to control my imagination, because he left all his muddy clothes here and I wonder if he took fresh ones to the bathroom. And the funniest thing is that it wouldn’t be the first time he’d come out of the shower wrapped in a towel, because he usually does that. But that kiss somehow changed everything, at least for me. I cannot stop thinking about it and just the idea of kissing Yuu and being able to touch his skin, which looks so soft and flawless, rather than his clothes is making me dizzy. I might try tonight if I don’t burn from embarrassment before._

_Until then_

The entry stopped at that point and Shion felt himself flush furiously. It didn’t take a genius to deduce that Yuu must have come out of the shower and Shion had no doubt that he did so wrapped in the towel, if only to tease Alma. And Shion could clearly see the scene in his mind. He could very well imagine the surprise Alma must have felt and then the embarrassment and the desire to touch that flawless skin. And he could see Yuu smirk knowingly, daring Alma to go for it. Only in his mind Yuu had slightly lighter hair. In his mind Yuu’s hair was much shorter and did not have that tattoo Alma was mentioning so often. In his mind, Yuu had grey eyes. And Shion blushed even harder, because there he was, fantasising about seeing Nezumi almost naked.

 

‘I’m not sure I want to read it if he’s going to be so open about everything they did that night,’ Nezumi laughed, snapping Shion out of his thoughts. Only the words put Shion's imagination on fast forward and “Yuu” still looked like Nezumi and he was kind of imagining it from Alma’s point of view and- Surely there was a limit of how hot his cheeks could feel before they took on fire. Nezumi laughed again and Shion realized, mortified, that the other was watching him. ‘I should have expected that you didn’t get any experience in those things,’ he said teasingly.

 

‘Of course I didn’t. I was waiting for you to teach me,’ Shion blurted out and slapped his hand over his mouth immediately. That was not what he wanted to say. Well, it was what he wanted to say, but it was not what he should say and definitely not how he wanted to say it. Nezumi looked at him strangely and then laughed again, getting up and going to the window. Shion watched him, wondering if there was anything he could say to make the other forget his embarrassing admission.

 

‘Say Shion,’ Nezumi started quietly, as though nothing had happened. It was a relief and a disappointment at the same time. ‘The skies are clear for once. Do you think we will get to see the Northern Lights finally?’ he asked. Shion’s eyes widened and he almost forgot about what he said before. The Northern Lights! The words brought images his mind has made up after he read Alma’s description.

 

‘Do you think it’s possible?’ he asked back hopefully. Nezumi shrugged.

 

‘I don’t really understand what that Alma guy wrote about them showing up and I think he didn’t either,’ he admitted. Alma had probably written word by word what Lavi had explained about the genesis of the lights dancing in the sky. Shion did understand it, but had no way to measure the activity of the sun and predict the appearance of the light. ‘But he wrote about them so often that I should think it’s not unusual to see them during the winter,’ Nezumi added. ‘I would like to see them.’

 

‘I would like to see them as well,’ Shion agreed. He was about to add more, when Nezumi gasped, efficiently silencing him. ‘What-’ was all he managed to say before the other threw him his coat and dragged him out before Shion even finished putting on the coat. Once outside, he understood immediately and he could only look up in amazement at the sky that was not black.

 

Above, a curtain of green light brightened the night, growing steadily. There was not a sound. It flowed, in a way, illuminating the snow that was all around and highlighting the calm silence with an ever changing spectacle. Shion glanced at Nezumi, who didn’t even bother to hide his amazement as he watched and Shion felt happy to see it. Sometimes, it felt like the isolation removed some of Nezumi’s “protective layer”, making him less guarded. He laughed genuinely, which Shion hasn’t heard before. He looked happy and now he looked amazed. And Shion was amazed as well, because the lights were beautiful, but he couldn’t tear his gaze away from Nezumi.

 

An idea crossed his head and he thought: why not?

 

‘Nezumi,’ he started hesitantly, suddenly feeling very nervous. His companion looked at him questioningly, the dancing lights casting shifting shadows on his face. He was sure that Nezumi could hear his hammering heart. It was now or never, Shion thought and, before Nezumi could ask what he wanted, he leaned in and kissed him.

 

At first, Nezumi twitched in surprise but then, Shion realised with some delay, he was kissing him back and for a moment the world only contained them. All Shion could think of was the feeling of the lips caressing his and the hand that entangled into his hair and how right it felt. And he did not want it to end, but it had to and when it did Nezumi rested his forehead against Shion’s and the green lights still danced in the sky. Nezumi laughed quietly.

 

‘I guess I should thank that Alma guy,’ he said and Shion blushed. He felt rather silly, until he realised that Nezumi might have been waiting for him to do something like that. With that incredible thought, he forced the other to look at him and tried to read Nezumi’s expression, but the only thing he found was happiness. So he smiled, amazed when Nezumi actually smiled back, before leaning in to kiss him again.

 

Shion couldn’t believe how easy it was.


	8. Allen Walker

Afterwards they saw the Northern Lights many times and every time Shion thought back to that truly magical moment, when he kissed Nezumi for the first time since they reunited. Every time, he wondered why Nezumi hadn’t made a move himself, when he had obviously welcomed Shion’s initiative. He would have also regretted not acting on his feelings earlier, only that night was so perfect he couldn’t really bring himself to wish that their first kiss was another time. Really, it wasn’t their first kiss, but when he complained about that to Nezumi, the other hit him lightly on the back of his head and told him to stop analysing and be happy. And so Shion complied and kissed Nezumi who kissed him back eagerly.

 

The kiss, like many kisses before, turned into a heated make out session and Shion would be embarrassed about his and Nezumi’s groping hands if only it didn’t feel so good. It was Nezumi who started of course, because Shion wouldn’t have known how to, or at least not as well as Nezumi seemed to know. Shion tried not to think when and from whom Nezumi had learnt. It was stupid but he disliked that person, whoever they were.

 

They read the diary much less those days, too busy discovering the places and situations when they can kiss and cuddle. And Shion called it “cuddling” in his head, because he blushed to even think of other words for it and he blushed even harder when he thought that he wanted more. On the positive side, when they did read the diary, Alma’s descriptions didn’t make Shion blush anymore because it was obvious that of the other two neither had any sort of experience in those things and they were both much shier than Nezumi, who usually provoked change.

 

Sometimes, when he lay next to Nezumi in bed and couldn’t sleep, Shion wondered how much time they had before the winter ended. It was funny to realise that they didn’t count the days very much like Alma and Yuu hadn’t, when they had lived in that house years and years ago. He had realised though that the days seemed to be growing longer, which meant that more than half the winter had passed and he couldn’t help fearing a bit what would happen once the snow stopped keeping them in the small house by the Cliffs of Gallifrey.

 

In the meantime, Alma and Yuu got another visitor and the details of the visit left Shion’s head spinning. The entry about the visit came with a third, faded photo, this time of a smiling Alma and somebody with blond hair, a huge scar on his face and a smile to rival Alma’s. On the back it said “Alma and Allen” and Shion immediately assumed it was another visitor and he went to read the entry.

 

_Dear diary, today the sky split at the shore of the lake. Not really, but that was how it looked like and it sounds so much cooler than to say “the Ark opened”. Right? It was a bit like a lightning striking, only it stopped before it reached the ground and then spread to form a prism. I think I have never seen Yuu move that fast. He dropped everything and jumped to stand in front of me in a defensive stance, so I didn’t see the person emerging. Yuu didn’t relax until the person said they were alone and not sent by anybody._

_I immediately realised that I knew this voice. It echoed in some of my worse memories and I would have cringed if I didn’t remember the most important part: this was the person who tried to save us. This was the only person there to think of us as people, rather than tools._

_Yuu relaxed somewhat, but didn’t move and I think that, if the person hadn’t said he knew we lived here, he would have sent the person back. But the guy said he heard from Lavi, because Lavi came to borrow the camera from him and he forced Lavi to tell him what for. So Yuu relented and stepped away, officially introducing me to Allen Walker. Or “the beansprout” which is the only thing Yuu calls him, getting called “BaKanda” back and I think it’s hilarious._

_Allen is short, hence the nickname I guess, and he has shockingly white hair and a nasty looking scar. He also has a lovely smile that brightened his face the moment he saw me. He said he was happy to hear that I had somehow overcome the Dark Matter and was not a demon anymore and I wished he hadn’t mentioned it, but I owe him too much to complain. I thanked him for everything and he laughed, saying that it was nothing, but I could see from Yuu’s expression that it was not “nothing”. Then Yuu bowed and apologized and I was speechless and Allen awkward. And Yuu did not move until Allen stopped denying the problem and accepted the apology._

_I found out that Yuu had gravely wounded Allen with his Innocence, while Allen was pleading my case, and that awoke the Noah within him. It feels like my fault since I had been going crazy to start with, consumed by my misplaced hate. I hated what had been done to me but I could never hate Yuu and even now it makes me cringe to think how close I had been to actually killing him, how much of a miracle it was that we had the chance at this life here._

_After a somewhat tense beginning, Allen Walker turned out to be a cheerful chatterbox, a bit of the same kind as Lavi. I could see Yuu’s patience wearing thin nearly the moment Allen started talking, but I was delighted to hear the stories, so I offered for him to stay a couple of days with us. I thought Yuu would take my head off when I said it and I think that was partly why Allen agreed. I could see he wanted to refuse it until Yuu exploded, demanding whether I have lost my mind. I know I shouldn’t have laughed, because afterwards Yuu spent the rest of the day sulking outside, while Allen told me all kinds of stories. He told me about himself, so I did the same, because he is not Lavi, he didn’t know._

_Later on I found that while Allen is a great story-teller and a good listener, he’s completely hopeless in the kitchen. Because Yuu was sulking, I did my best to cook and Allen tried to help me, but we’re not very good at keeping focused on what we’re doing it seems. I can’t really blame Yuu for refusing to eat the results, even though he probably did it to annoy Allen._

_Oh and you should have seen his face, when he realised that me and Yuu sleep in the same bed! Just for that it was worth to invite him to stay._

 

Shion giggled as he closed the diary, carefully replacing the photo where it was. He would have given a lot to see the faces of Rikiga and Dogkeeper if they would see him and Nezumi kiss. He shared that thought with Nezumi and revelled in the blush that graced Nezumi’s pale cheeks just then and he did not miss that chance to tease the other. It was easier anyway, than to think about all the other things Alma had written: the fights, the hate, the killing. Somehow Allen Walker, despite being an obviously cheerful person, brought bad memories.

 

From the next two entries, Nezumi and Shion pretty much figured out that Alma and Yuu really had been some sort of lab rats, created artificially by the organization called Black Order, to try and win a war ongoing for many years. It was even clearly written that they fought to death twice and Yuu won twice and the second time he had somehow “woken up” an enemy within Allen. It was not explained how they could have fought to death twice and then move in to the house together, nor was it said what demons or Noah are, other than enemies the Black Order fought in their war. A large part of Shion wished he hadn’t known all that. It made him think back to the horrors he had seen in the Correctional Facility. It made him remember the pain of being too late to save Safu, something which he still couldn’t forgive himself.

 

In the end, Allen Walker left with a promise to find them again when the war was over.

 

‘I can’t decide whether this Alma guy has a really good imagination or if I’m supposed to take what he writes for reality,’ muttered Nezumi after Shion finished reading the description of how the prism in the sky disappeared after Allen walked into it. ‘Lab rats I can buy, but artificially created? I’m sure he’s also exaggerating with this “fight to death”, because they’re clearly alive. And this whole prism in the sky: what the hell is it?’

 

‘He calls it the Ark,’ Shion replied promptly, ignoring Nezumi’s withering glare. ‘But I agree with you. It is far beyond the capacity of mankind to create artificial humans. Their fights could have been interrupted before they finished, although it is surprising that, considering the amount of manual work they do and the sparring Alma describes, they never get any injuries,’ he pointed out, closing the diary carefully. ‘We constantly have scrapes and pains when we try to do the same thing they do and it seems like they fight for real.’

 

In the end, it didn’t matter. Alma’s imagination or reality, it didn’t change the core of the story, which was that of two people finding their peace in the shadow of the Cliffs of Gallifrey, very much like Shion and Nezumi did. Here, far from No. 6, Shion didn’t have to keep appearances and could do anything he pleased, rather than pleasing the others. Nezumi could forget about the atrocities he witnessed and the hate he harboured and Shion could see the results: Nezumi laughed easier. Isolated from everybody by the distance and the cover of snow, as though they were the only people on Earth, they had all the time they wanted to explore their feelings.

 

They took their time also and, oh, how good that time was. Filled with kisses and cuddles, it was sweet and fluffy. Filled with touches and desire it was delightfully blissful. Filled with words and unspoken promises it brought hope for the time to come. Filled with love it was more perfect than Shion would ever imagine.

 

‘You do realize this will probably follow them to their death, don’t you? Is this what you want to read?’ Nezumi asked when Shion picked up the diary to read the next entry, after Allen’s departure, the following day. Shion knew, even if he didn’t really want to think about it. He didn’t try to see if the notebook, which they were more or less halfway through, was completely filled. It was a reasonable thing to do and he wondered if Nezumi had checked and if that was what prompted the question, but he didn’t want to know.

 

‘In any case, they have many years to go,’ he said instead. They couldn’t know how old exactly Alma and Yuu were but they knew when, in terms of the diary, the photos were taken and on the photos they couldn’t be more than twenty-something. Barring a tragic incident, they had many years ahead of them, but Nezumi said nothing more and Shion couldn’t help but wonder. But he opened the diary anyway and the only thing he read was how Alma and Yuu duelled and how they laid on the grass afterwards, watching the stars in the sky.

 

A couple of entries later Lavi visited next time and Shion and Nezumi got the first date: the 6th of June, not the year though. It was Yuu’s birthday and Lavi had somehow found out about it, as well as that Alma’s birthday was on the 6th of December. So Lavi came for Yuu’s birthday, bringing gifts for them both, because he couldn’t come for Alma’s birthday due to the snow. He also promised to come every year in June. Then he appeared early in the autumn, bringing an armful of tulip bulbs. Reading about it, Shion decided that Lavi was the best friend Alma and Yuu could have gotten.

 

Since the autumn visit of Lavi, the entries into the diary mainly coincided with the visits, unless something big happened, like for example Yuu going to the village for something they needed and could not make themselves or find in the forest. Those visits were rare and far in-between and invariably Alma complained that Yuu didn’t want to take him. The excuse usually was that somebody needed to guard the house, since they didn’t have a lock, but Alma knew that Yuu was too afraid Alma might stumble upon the emissaries of the Black Order and not realise the need to hide.

 

Shion was happy, because the sparseness of entries meant Alma was busy with his life with Yuu. He was doubly happy because every entry was overflowing with happiness and it made him smile as he imagined the things Alma described.

 

_Dear diary, Lavi arrived one day earlier than usual this year, or so he says. He still laughs at how we don’t count the days, but really: what is the point? The seasons are important, because we need to know when to plant the vegetables and when to gather them, but numbers are redundant for that. Sometimes I wonder what year it is, but it doesn’t really matter in the end, so I never ask Lavi._

_In any case, Lavi didn’t come empty-handed, as usual. This time he brought things I have never heard of before: a big bag of buckwheat flour, a sauce called tsuyu and dried leaves called shiso. When he took all that out I swear I could see Yuu’s eyes shining and, from Lavi’s expression, he had been expecting something like that. But out loud he only said that he is sorry it took him so long to bring it and that he hopes Yuu makes a good meal for his birthday. I don’t think Yuu even heard him he was so amazed with the food Lavi brought. I didn’t think any food could make him react like that. Usually he just eats without any comments, no matter how good or how bad it is._

_The birthday was yesterday and I would normally wait with writing until after Lavi is gone, but I don’t want to miss anything. Anyway, Lavi and Yuu are fishing now and I know they wanted to talk, so I said I would stay. I see them in the boat on the lake. They seem to be having success so it’ll be fish tonight. But back to the topic._

_It was the best birthday ever. Yuu made noodles called soba. I would have never suspected that he could do something this complicated, but they were perfect. They were also really, really good and I was not surprised to hear, from Lavi, that the dish was Yuu’s favourite. It was really simple: cold noodles, dipped in a sauce with the leaves, but the taste – it was amazing. Next to that, Yuu made deep-fried vegetables in some sort of flour-made skin. It was also to be dipped in the sauce and it was delicious as well, even if Yuu complained there was not the good choice of vegetables. I know that he complained only because Lavi has been teasing him for not being the grumpy Yuu Lavi had known._

_Our gift for Yuu was a green tea cake, which he complained about until he actually tried it, and a set to prepare matcha tea, together with probably enough tea powder for a year. Lavi brought it of course, but he told Yuu that it was my idea, which was true. As every year, Lavi also brought a gift for me, again apologising that the snow makes it impossible to visit in December. I got a set of pencils, paper for sketching and a book with advice on how to do sketches. Of course we also gave Lavi his gift: a knitted sweater from those parts. I think he liked it, even if he said again we should not risk going down to the village just to get something for him._

_It is summer and sun sets very late, so after eating we went to sit outside with our teas and I got to listen to stories from both Lavi and Yuu. It is not often that Yuu feels like sharing the life he had when I was sleeping, but that evening he told me about the good things that had happened. He also told me, much to Lavi’s chagrin, about their first meeting and how he nearly beheaded Lavi for calling him by his first name. Apparently they chased halfway through the huge building. Very obviously Yuu was proud of catching up with the “idiot rabbit” and seeing the pure panic in his eyes. To get back at him, Lavi made fun that now he is tamed and allows Lavi to call him “Yuu”. It made me laugh to think of Yuu as “tamed” and it makes me blush when Lavi says I did the taming._

_We talked and laughed until the sun set and long afterwards. In fact, it was at sunrise the following day that we realized how much time passed and went to sleep. It was a perfect ending of the day to hug Yuu close as he drifted to sleep._

 

It sounded like an awesome birthday indeed. It was the seventh time Lavi visited and the fifth birthday they spent together. Shion counted in his head. They were a bit further than halfway through the notebook and Shion looked forward to what was written. If most of the entries coincided with visits, which seemed to be the new trend in Alma’s writing, he wondered if Alma even managed to fill in the whole notebook, but if he didn’t, it would also be alright. Winter was soon finishing and Shion wanted to be done before they would be busy looking for the things mentioned on Alma’s sketch or would leave the house. He looked forward to reading about Allen Walker’s comeback and a celebration that would follow, already feeling happy for the people who were long dead. He turned the page with a smile, but it quickly faded as he took in the only sentence written there:

 

_Yuu fainted today and I am afraid of what it means._


	9. Snowdrops

Shion slammed the diary shut and Nezumi had to read it himself. He said nothing after he read it and neither did Shion. There was really nothing to say because it seemed that Nezumi would be right and the diary would follow them to death much earlier than Shion would have wished for. Until now Alma hasn’t written about a single injury they had sustained, not even when they were sparring and, when he had talked about Lavi recovering, he hinted that himself and Yuu would be immune to the cold and wounds. Consequently it couldn’t have been a good sign for one of them to faint and it only sent Shion’s imagination into overdrive.

 

He didn’t want to admit it out loud, but he feared what would follow in the next entries of the diary. Nezumi’s questions echoed in his head: “You do realize this will probably follow them to their death, don’t you? Is this what you want to read?” He wasn’t sure what his answer was, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop reading just then. He wanted to know how it ended. He hoped to read at least something that would say they had been happy.

 

He was pretty sure they had been happy, because Alma surely sounded happy almost in every entry in the diary. They did get more than five years together in what seemed to be pure bliss, but five years sounded pitifully short when Shion thought about the time he wanted to spend with Nezumi. And he wanted to read it written by Alma: “we were happy here”, or something along those lines. Only, he wasn’t sure he would be able to actually read it out and it was clear that Nezumi wasn’t going to want to be left out. Somehow the diary had become their second favourite pass-time, right after cuddling and kissing and- Well, all the things Nezumi was so damned good at.

 

When Nezumi offered to read the remaining part of the diary, two days after Shion closed the notebook and showed no sign of wanting to reopen it, Shion jumped on the occasion.

 

 _It is as I feared_ , read Nezumi. It seemed that Alma gave up on the traditional “dear diary” with which he had started every entry until the previous one that was only one sentence. Shion had a feeling that Alma wouldn’t have realized it unless there had been somebody to point it out. He didn’t even want to begin to imagine how he would have felt in Alma’s place, if Nezumi was doing badly.

 

_Yuu grows weaker by the day and I don’t know how much longer he has. I don’t want to think about it, but at this rate it will not be long. Isn’t it ironic that we were so worried about me all the time and it is Yuu who will die first? I’m afraid Lavi will come too late this year, too late to see Yuu off in any case._

_I try to focus on the positive thoughts, difficult as it is. We have spent a couple of years here and I never counted the time but now it feels like it will not be enough. It can never be enough because we lost so many years before, but it is more than I would have ever hoped for, before we got here. It has been- it is better than anything I could have hoped for after the Sixth Lab and it’s so much better than dying in the ruins of the North American Branch or Mater. This is what I try to tell myself when I watch Yuu struggle to sit up on the bed, but it’s only so that I don’t start crying. I don’t want his last memories to be of me crying, so I try to smile for him. Often it doesn’t work._

_Today I realised that I also grow weak and I know Yuu knows. Maybe he even knew before me. I see him worry even as he tells me to not cry for him. Whenever I can’t hold my tears anymore, he tells me that the time here was better than he could have ever hoped for and that he’d rather go before the Noah or the Order find us. He’d rather go happy._

_I can only cry when he says that, because I cannot do anything to change what is happening. And he holds me tight and I know he is crying also. I know that he doesn’t want to go, but it doesn’t seem like he has a choice, like either of us has a choice. The tattoos are fading at a scaring rate and we think it means the end for real. Last time Lavi said this was likely going to be a symptom we should watch out for. And we all knew that the cores would not let us live a long life. We both abused them before coming here and a peaceful end is the best we can hope for._

_This is what I try to tell myself to keep it together._

 

With that, Nezumi closed the notebook and Shion was grateful. He was torn between wanting to know, to end with it, and continuing to cheat himself that this was not their end. He hated it when characters in the stories died and that Alma and Yuu had been real people only made it worse. And Nezumi seemed to understand, because he forced Shion to go out for a walk in the snowy forest, to profit from the good weather.

 

Indeed outside the sun was shining and, impossible as it seemed, it chased away Shion’s dark thoughts with its warmth. And it was warm, warmer than Shion remembered in a long while, so he could tell the winter was reaching its end. He tried to count the days since the first snow had come, but it was impossible. All he knew was that the days were getting longer and it definitely felt warmer than it had some time ago.

 

They walked long and by the time they were back, the only thing Shion wanted was to go to sleep. He ate some of the soup Nezumi made, smiling because it was their soup, no matter how much it changed from the original recipe Nezumi had given him back in the West Block. Those times seemed like another lifetime anyway. Everything they had lived through until this time of isolation by the Cliffs of Gallifrey seemed like another lifetime and this one was so much better, because he could kiss Nezumi until he forgot the world existed. And Nezumi would kiss him back and caress him gently and Shion would be happy, because this was all he had wished for, for more years than he cared to count.

 

Only in the morning, lying in Nezumi’s arms, did he remember about the diary again. Immediately, he wished he hadn’t thought about it, but it was too late and he couldn’t chase the thoughts and images out from his head as he remembered the entries. They were not much older than himself and Nezumi, when Alma started writing the diary. They had obviously spent a long time apart: Alma often mentioned that Yuu was alone for nine years and so was Shion, almost. First Nezumi had disappeared from his life for four years and then for almost four again and he knew it hurt. It hurt so much to be waiting for the one he loved and he hoped they would have time to make up for that pain.

 

Alma hoped so too. He never wrote it, but Shion could understand, because he knew the feeling. “Yuu fainted today and I am afraid of what it means,” Alma had written and those were such simple words, but Shion could feel the emotions that accompanied them. The shock, the fear, the anger: he felt them as though they were his own, because he knew he would panic if something had happened to Nezumi and they was no way he could help. He would be angry that they were not given the time people normally were.

 

He thought about Yuu, who found peace and happiness in this place, knowing that his time was near and he would not stay with his beloved Alma much longer and he cried. Because their lives had been hard and because five or six years were not much, Shion cried for Alma and Yuu. And that was how Nezumi found him when he woke up and the only thing he said was that they should get it over with and he reached for the diary and read.

 

_Today Yuu asked me if he could go outside. It’s the first thing he asked for since he’s bedbound, I realized and of course I could not refuse him. For him who lost me twice, the least I can do is to make sure his last days are as good as they can be and the weather has been beautiful those last days, or so I seem to remember. I never have the time to look out through the window now: I don’t want to look away from Yuu, because the time we have left together is so short._

_I carried him out and sat him on the bench, before going to pick up a thick blanket to wrap him in. He’s always cold these days and I’m sure even the summer sun cannot help it. And we sat there, mainly in silence, watching the peaceful view ahead._

_I don’t know what was in his head, but my thoughts were a mess. I remembered that Allen had promised to come back after the war is over and that he hadn’t fills me with dread. Does it mean they are still fighting? That the Exorcists are still suffering and, God forbid, the Order is still doing experiments to enhance their chances? We have escaped from it all, but I wish nobody had to suffer like that. Or does Allen’s absence mean that he had died in the war? Out of everybody his position was the worst and most precarious. Or does his absence mean that he had given in to the Noah? I would like to believe it not possible, because the Noah never came here, but what would they do with two Second Exorcists whose time was short anyway?_

_At some point I went to make a tea for Yuu and myself, as much because I wanted some as to have something to think of that wasn’t Allen. Of course the tea made me think to Lavi, because it’s Lavi’s gift for Yuu from the previous year. I wish we could find out what the gift this year would be. From us, Lavi was supposed to get a bracelet like the one Yuu has. It took us half the winter to figure out how to make the wooden beads round and polished and how to pierce them through. It took us the other half of the winter to make enough beads of the same size to surround Yuu’s wrist. I don’t even want to think about all the wood we had wasted, but all of it went into the fireplace, so it’s not too bad. It was relative easy to paint them black and to put them onto the string._

_The tea was good, maybe better than usual. I always found matcha a bit bitter, but I think I got used to it now and I can honestly say I enjoy it. I know that Yuu does, I see it in his face and I saw it today as well, when he drank it and when he thanked me._

_We sat outside until the sunset. It wasn’t the first one I have seen, but it was maybe the most beautiful._

_The clouds we saw, coloured pink and violet by the setting sun, brought a light rain, but we sat there still, because I know Yuu likes rain. It wasn’t cold either, nor unpleasant. In fact, with a rain like that, I can understand why Yuu likes it. And I could see his peaceful expression as the drops fell on his face and it made me panic, because I thought_

_I thought he_

_I can’t even write it, but nothing happened. He fell asleep in the rain and I carried him back to bed. He didn’t even wake up. Now I will also go to sleep as well, and I will hug him close to me as always._

 

Nezumi turned the page, but did not start reading and Shion immediately knew what was written there. He half expected it after the last entry, even if he hoped, oh how he hoped, it wasn’t the case. He bit his lip and hugged his lover, whether to give himself or Nezumi strength he wasn’t sure. He didn’t say anything and neither did Nezumi and for a long while they stayed silence. Until, eventually Nezumi cleared his throat and started reading, his voice hoarse.

 

_Yuu died tonight._

_His tattoo is completely gone so I know this is for real. He is not coming back this time, the curse is gone, and he is free. I can barely write this even now, because the tears are blurring everything. I don’t see what I write and it’s been a whole day since I woke up to find him, lifeless in my arms. I cannot stop crying, but he was smiling. So Lavi, if you’re reading this, I want you to know: we were happy here. We really were happy here, no matter how short it was._

_I will die soon, I know it and anyway I don’t want to live without Yuu. I never wanted to live without Yuu. But please, Lavi: know that we loved you. I’m sorry you will have to find us like that when you arrive this year. We were always happy to have you as our guest and please, you too: be happy wherever your life takes you. I’m happy I got to know you, I’m happy we saved your life and I know Yuu was very glad he could do that. He talked about you often and I know he wished to see you one more time._

_Your gift. I even wrapped it properly this time, could you imagine this? It’s on the table in the main room, so please, take it and remember us by it. I think you should come soon, because the days are long, but I don’t know when. I’m afraid I will not be here anymore to welcome you, no matter how much I wish otherwise. I wish you were here, but maybe it’s fair that way. It seems fair that I die alone._

Shion cried, because it was unfair. Nobody deserved to die alone. So he cried and Nezumi held him wordlessly for what felt like a lifetimes. And when Shion calmed down enough to look at the other, he could see that Nezumi had cried as well.

 

It was the last entry in the diary. There were many blank pages afterwards, so they could be pretty sure that it wasn’t continued anywhere else. Whether Alma died immediately after or if Lavi had arrived on time to not let him die alone would remain a mystery. Shion wished he had and childishly he decided to believe that. Whether Allen won his war or not would also remain a mystery, but there were no wars anymore, so Shion could hope it was over at least now. The only thing they knew was that Alma and Yuu were buried next to the house and it was most probably Lavi who buried them.

 

Nezumi had nothing to say, not about the diary at least. He offered to cook and there was nothing else for Shion to do, because he had cleaned the house countless times while avoiding the last entries of the diary. And so that day Shion went to visit the grave for the first time since he found it. He had looked its way often, but never approached. Now, however, he felt like he needed to see it again, even though it really changed nothing and nothing has changed.

 

The inscription was still in place, once he removed the snow and there were flowers, shyly poking their way through the cover of snow. Snowdrops, he realized immediately, the symbol of hope. Tears prickled his eyes, because it was unfair that they had to die so young. Because what hope there was in their lives? It was all crushed by the unfairness of the world that surrounded them. He had read it all: lab rats forced into lives they didn’t want, pursued by people who didn’t care. And when they finally found their peace they had to die.

 

He wasn’t sure how long he stayed there, crying silently. It was long enough for his tears to dry and he only looked blankly at the inscription in the stone. “May they rest in peace forever,” it said and it seemed particularly important that it was “forever”. He hoped they had.

 

‘Come home, Shion,’ he heard Nezumi say. He closed his eyes over the tears. ‘They were happy, you know, Alma said it,’ Nezumi said, his voice closer by. ‘And you know. You should know the best that is not the time that counts. A hundred years can be worth less than a month,’ he added, hands resting on Shion’s shoulders.

 

‘But five years don’t sound all that much,’ he replied and sniffed. Nezumi’s hands slid down his arms and moved to embrace him around the waist as Nezumi drew near. Instinctively, Shion relaxed against the warmth of the other body, welcoming the embrace and the comfort it brought.

 

‘You shouldn’t count it in years, but in moments that are worth remembering,’ Nezumi said quietly. ‘The moments of laughter, the quiet smiles count more than the seconds they last. A touch, a kiss can make the time stop and what are minutes next to the warmth of a body next to yours?’ he asked. Shion blinked away the fresh tears that gathered in his eyes. ‘Love, Shion, is not measured by time and to find love it makes them the luckiest people in the world.’

 

Shion closed his eyes as tears fell down his cheeks. But Nezumi was right. And the snowdrops were the hope he had for the peace ever after, if “happily ever after” was not exactly the option. So Shion followed Nezumi back to the house and allowed himself to be consoled, because they had been happy and the only thing Shion could do for them was to be happy in that house that promised hope. And happy he was, once he had mourned their lives.

 

They stayed in the house even after the snow melted. They stayed to see the forest burst into life and they saw the forget-me-nots on the grave. And when the season came, tropaeolum bloomed between the tulips and Shion knew, because he still loved botany, that it was the symbol of victory and in his head there was no doubt that it had been Allen Walker’s way of telling Alma and Yuu that he had won. And somehow, it was enough.


	10. Epilogue

Lavi fingered the black beads on his wrist. It was against the Bookman code to keep anything personal, but this one bracelet he would make the exception for. The same as he would make the exception for remembering his friends, those particular, special friends who had saved his life years ago. They were gone now, for years, and Lavi could only come to visit the place where they had lived as often as his job would let him, which wasn’t perhaps as often as he could wish for. In fact, it was the second time he managed to come after that time.

 

The house still stood by the cliffs that even Lavi came to call, in his head, by the name Alma gave them: the Cliffs of Gallifrey. As he approached he inevitably thought back to that year when he arrived on the 6th of June, late by two days compared to his plans, smiling at the thought of meeting Alma and Yuu, excited to see their reactions to the gifts he brought. The gifts he never gave them. If only he hadn’t been late, he thought, before shaking his head. Considering wasted chances wasn’t in his nature and even less in his job description, and even the pain of what had transpired wasn’t going to change it.

 

Besides, he wasn’t really sure he wanted to witness his best friend’s last hours. It was bad enough to arrive and find Alma kneeling next to the bed, holding Kanda’s hand and crying. Lavi didn’t need explanations and the gifts he brought were forgotten as he rushed over to the bed, despite everything checking Kanda’s pulse and finding none. He still remembered the sickening pain that erupted in his chest then and he nearly forgot Alma was still there, his diary discarded next to him on the floor. Only a soft sob made him remember the living Second and Lavi dropped to his knees next to the weeping man.

 

Alma died soon after Lavi arrived. He rushed to explain everything, once he noticed Lavi was there, and Lavi hushed him and held him close. How long they stayed there, sitting on the floor, Lavi had no idea. Enough for Alma to calm down and thank Lavi for coming, enough for Lavi to tell him about his latest mission in the neighbouring country, enough for Alma to peacefully fade away. And for the first time in his life, Lavi was genuinely grateful for the Bookman training. He wasn’t sure he would have been able to dig their grave otherwise.

 

Lavi shook his head, clearing the memories as he neared the grave. He didn’t need to remember how he carried the fragile bodies to the hole in the ground or how he cried reading Alma’s last diary entry. Of course they were happy, but why did they have to leave? He shook his head again, pursing his lips as he focused on the inscription he had carved himself. At least the Black Order didn’t find this place, he thought.

 

Back then he took all precautions, burning everything that belonged to Alma and Yuu, except for the diary, which he took with him. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t burn it together with the book of sketches. It wasn’t like he was going to record that part of their lives here in History, lest one day somebody finds out. Oh no, he was taking that secret to his grave and, as far as History, Black Order and the world were concerned, Alma and Yuu died in Mater. He knew the Crows looked for their cores there and returned empty-handed, much to Lvellie’s annoyance. The man should have known that if Allen let it slip where he had sent Kanda it meant that Kanda was long gone from there.

 

With the corner of his eye, Lavi saw the lightning reflected in the water and he turned to look at the Ark door with mixed feelings. Did they follow him here? He wasn’t an Exorcist anymore, he hadn’t been since the Noah had crushed his Innocence back then, and his mission with the Order has finished then. However, he found it difficult to just disappear and thus kept some contact. If it led the Order to Alma’s and Yuu’s resting place he would never forgive himself.

 

He sighed with relief when only Allen Walker emerged from the gate and watched how the smile evaporated from the pale face when the newcomer took in the scene. He felt a small, sad smile stretch his lips at the reaction and waited as the white-haired man neared. He had changed, he had grown up, Lavi thought, wondering when he had last seen Allen. Before Alma and Yuu died, he figured, or he would have told him.

 

‘Am I late then?’ Allen asked, his voice quiet. Lavi nodded, pursing his lips. ‘I promised I would come and tell them when the war was won,’ he muttered, glancing at the grave behind the redhead, his expression unreadable. ‘When?’ he asked.

 

‘Two years ago,’ Lavi replied without much hesitation. Unlike Alma and Yuu he wasn’t able to live his life without counting the days. ‘Tomorrow it will be exactly two years since Alma died, Yuu- I think he died a bit less than two years and a day ago,’ he added. Allen shot him a long, careful look and nodded, before asking whether Lavi had been there. ‘Only for Alma,’ he said tonelessly. He looked away as Allen stopped next to him, looking at the grave.

 

‘Well,’ Allen muttered reluctantly. ‘We won,’ he stated dully. It sounded strangely dispirited. Tears welled in Lavi’s eye and he blinked rapidly to dispel them. Bookmen didn’t cry. And Lavi had already cried enough for Yuu and Alma. ‘I was expecting some mocking remark here, BaKanda, something along the lines of: what took you so long, stupid beansprout? But I guess,’ Allen trailed off. Lavi heard him swallow. ‘I guess it took me too long.’

 

They stood in silence for a long while.

 

‘You didn’t even put their names,’ Allen noted finally, his quiet voice barely audible over the rustling of the leaves in the nearby forest. Lavi looked at him, surprised to see tears trailing down his cheeks. It took a moment to understand the words. He nodded.

 

‘They didn’t want to be found. I didn’t want, should the Order stumble upon this place by accident, to give away who was buried here. Just in case,’ he said simply. In case there was anything they could use to bring them back, he thought but didn’t say out loud. Allen nodded and said that he could do it now, because the Order was over. The war was over and the Noah were all killed, although with many sacrifices. ‘Did you-’ Lavi started and Allen shook his head.

 

‘Nobody knows. I wanted to tell Marie at least, especially after Tiedoll died, but I was afraid somebody would hear and the Central was more than desperate for Exorcists,’ Allen admitted with a tired sigh. ‘Also Marie and Lenalee believed Kanda found his peace,’ he added, a faint echo of hope in his voice.

 

‘He had,’ Lavi assured him. ‘They had,’ he amended firmly. He gave Allen the diary to read, so that he could find out for himself, while he carved the two names above the inscription. They left the diary in the bedroom and Allen gave Lavi a lift in the Ark. Next time, Lavi met Allen when the latter was planting tropaeolum between the tulips, saying that he read it was the symbol of victory and Kanda would probably know. Lavi wanted to laugh, but he had earlier planted the snowdrops, the symbol of hope, on the grave, so he said nothing. And neither of them said anything about the forget-me-nots that sprang up from the ground the following year.

**Author's Note:**

> "Gallifrey" in the title is of course a blatant hint at Doctor Who, but the place I'm describing as the Cliffs of Gallifrey is very much on Earth. It's inspired by the beautiful views I've seen in Norway.


End file.
